The Commies Won
When I was growing up, we always laughed at the relentlessly upbeat statements that came from the old Soviet Union, where even disasters were turned into triumphs, and leaders, statues, and the names of places themselves switched magically as fashion and leadership required, which usually worked out better for the places renamed than the people thus discarded. One never assumed that an honest transfer of power had taken place, nor were the myriad other rosy scenarios to be believed. We probably never knew the whole story, but most likely life for the average commie (unlike at Lake Wobegone, all commies are assumed to be average) was pretty close to what we all thought it was, and pretty much the opposite of what we heard from Pravda. In short, it was a dreary, if not impoverished life, where a few oligarchs controlled the masses through a robust police state and propaganda machine while they pursued their imperial dreams into eventual bankruptcy for everybody. Thanks to St. Ronnie, such a thing could never happen here, which is certainly reason enough to put his pancaked mug on the $50, where most of the rabble won’t ever see it at the rate we’re going.
What was most sinister about the Soviet system, though, was its Orwellian addiction to rewriting history simply because, well, it could. Thus, the foibles great and small of the current cabal in power could be transformed into an immaculate arc of righteous progress against the pure evil of its every opponent, whose name and face must immediately be wiped from every street sign, monument, or book, to be replaced by those in favor, whose health often would then become a topic of conversation. Outside of weapons, one of the best industries to be in would have been statue making, and I’m sure that the commie system produced its fair share of little Richard Cheneyovs to take advantage of this. (The commies invented no-bid contracts, you know…) Book printing would have been something of a gold mine too, since every few years whole libraries would have to be replaced to protect the next generation from the dangerous ideas and subversive people recently laid to rest (the latter more literally than the former), no doubt drawing the attention of some little Rupert Murdokovitch, who would definitely have liked the lack of competition, anyway.
Well, now that we already have the shady elections, compromised media, widespread poverty, bloated military, gulags, and unaccountable ruling class, what’s really left to “win” from the commies but their curious approach to history? Someone needs to think of the children, and fortunately, in Texas, they are, using their singular power to rewrite all Americans’ textbooks to exalt Jesus, Phyllis Schlafly, and Ayn Rand, not necessarily in that order. Move over, Abe Lincoln, Jefferson Davis just brought back the Fairness Doctrine, and the Contract with America has now officially kicked the New Deal’s sorry ass to the curb where it belongs. This new American Ministry of Culture has leapt boldly into commie territory, its Commissars hastily declaring who’s up and who’s down in public school textbooks, because the craziest members of the State Board of Education have been involuntarily retired by the notoriously crazy-friendly Texas voters, and only have 10 months to cut and paste.
Just like Krushchev banging his shoe, these chicken-fried Stalinists are not being at all shy about how many statues they still have to pull down; separation of church and state, the Great Society, Imperialism (the word, not the thing, of course), and best of all the Recent Unpleasantness we used to call Civil Rights, which children might as well henceforth learn hasn’t amounted to much beyond a lot of “unrealistic expectations of equal outcomes.” In their place, the heroic doings of the Heritage Foundation, The National Rifle Association, the Moral Majority, and going back a bit, Stonewall Jackson, will step into the footlights beside the one true God besides Jesus, Free Enterprise, accompanied by stirring “country and western” music. Seriously.
Please, Texas, secede already. We’ll risk the children being left behind.


Reply



