O’Reilly in the foxhole

When I choose to devote a post to Bill O’Reilly, alert readers will generally assume a fortuitous congruence of two or more of the following events: 1) Bill did something more than usually crazy; 2) Nothing else in the news is remotely funny; or 3) The hag started drinking early.  Sometimes it’s all three.

Without delving further into the wherefores of it all, I would like to quote Bill at some length, because the perfect combination of delusional triumphalism, jaw-dropping projection, Orwellian misdirection, and barking, repetitive prose worthy of a 13 year old J Edgar Hoover, in this case is expertly whipped together and popped into the oven, where it rises into a mountainous souffle of stoopid, and somebody’s just got to show up and slam a door.

Thus spake Billoloofah:

It all has to do with fear.  While President Obama retains a high approval rating, many Americans are flat-out scared about the economy.  The recession is bringing massive pain to America, and responsible citizens want the truth about public policy, not partisan cheerleading.

Which is why they come to FOX, of course.  Calming fears and shunning partisanship is practically Fox’s middle name.  What then, Bill, should these “responsible” citizens, not to be confused with the other kind, do?

Thus, news operations and web sites that have a vested interest in seeing Barack Obama succeed in the White House are not trusted by many news consumers.  One look at NBC News, for example, and you know the company line is to help President Obama, not report the unvarnished truth.

Note the use of the word “line,” which in O’Reilly’s dated, McCarthyite Esperanto means, “an opinion I disagree with.”  (This locution, like Tater Tot casserole, goes over big in nursing home dayrooms all across America, and helps FOX sell a lot of Depends and Polident.)  Left unsaid, to no one’s surprise, is that those, like FOX, with a vested interest in his failure are mistrusted by many more.  But that’s not the point, of course.  This tactic, repeated endlessly, is to inoculate Bill’s lies against a factual infection from an unapproved source.  It’s the fair and balanced way.

Spinning the economy does not really help people whose jobs may be in jeopardy.  They need solid information about what is actually happening in order to make difficult decisions on personal spending, and perhaps seeking new employment in a more secure industry.  So, self-protection dictates that they secure the most reliable sources of information available.

Millionaire Bill hereby helpfully informs his rapt yet worried audience to do without the flat screen and the pension; things are tough all over.

The point is that concentrating on ideology rather than accumulating information can lead to a distorted view of reality.

Excuse me while I wipe up my computer and fish the curler out of my drink..

Much of the media these days is in business to promote a political philosophy rather than to protect the folks by exposing dangerous situations.  The watchdog press that the Founders envisioned has been corrupted by ideology.

And all this time, I thought the media was in business to make money.  Who’d have thought a bunch of Franco-commie hippies at GE and Disney would be so clever as to dream up, between bong rips, a front like CNBC, just to throw the “folks” off the scent of pot and patchouli?  Heaven knows what horrors might have befallen our great nation were it not for the watchdogs at FOX keeping the government honest.

And so the folks are left to fend for themselves, and they are gravitating toward news agencies that seemingly tell it like it is.

Bill, a shred of truth crept in there with that word “seemingly.”  Perhaps if you didn’t sexually harass your editors, they wouldn’t have let that slide.

Committed left wing newspapers are folding in Seattle, Minneapolis, and perhaps in San Francisco.  The New York Times had to borrow money from a Mexican guy at 14% interest.  The far left TV news operations are sinking fast.

This is a time when it’s great to be Bill.  Since every non-Murdoch newspaper in the country is left wing to Bill and his “folks,” bad news for any paper is good news to them, and heralds a brighter tomorrow in which those traitorous liberals that persist in actual newsgathering will well and truly be vanquished by the Murdochian juggernaut, and FOX will be the only news source left, I mean right.  Of course, the most timely newspaper closure, that of the Rocky Mountain News, involved the generally more conservative paper in Denver, and therefore nary a word about that. And Bill can’t pass up a chance to slam Mexicans AND the New York Times in the same sentence, evoking a satisfyingly delicious image of that elitist smarty Pinch Sulzberger having to shake down the pool boy for a ten spot.  The billions flushed down the toilet at the Post and WSJ were, one may rest assured, never touched by any brown hands.

President Obama still has wide support, but not fanatical support.

Bill knows that fanatical support is the only kind worth having, and the fact that Obama “still” enjoys quite a bit of it shows that Bill has his work cut out, but his confidence remains undimmed.

Most of the folks simply want the truth, even though these days the truth can be hard to handle.

Especially for you, Bill.  And your “folks.”


  1. bystander.again says:

    Excuse me while I wipe up my computer and fish the curler out of my drink.

    That is a great line. I’m still laughing. I dream of a day when you, DCLaw1, and Little Brother get together to write a book. I don’t care what the subject is.

    I find I’m becoming a cultural Luddite. Having escewed the tube for a very long time now, I only know of BillOloofah what I read about him on the web. I had to go search to get the loofah reference. Some things I just don’t mind missing. I have a feeling BillO would be one.

  2. cocktailhag says:

    We aim to please here at Cocktailhag News Network….. I’ve never had a TV, myself. I discovered Bill O’Reilly through Al Franken, and Robert Greenwald, and now watch him, like a train wreck, via Newshaounds and Crooks and Liars. Like I said, he’s always good fo a cheap laugh, and so much moreso here lately.

  3. presumptuous insect says:

    “factual infection”

    Nicely put! Was it Steven Colbert who said something like, “facts have a liberal bias”?

    It’s just wonderful to see O’Reilly worried about getting the Truth out to all the hard working and suffering people who need it. What a great guy.

    • cocktailhag says:

      Like many of the phrases I use, this one was cribbed in part from someone smarter, in this case Alexander Cockburn, and I paraphrase out of laziness, “I’m in favor of compulsory prayer; it serves as an inoculation against future religious infection, and gives one the tools to debate the faithful.”
      I got a kick out of O’Reilly bemoaning the loss of a watchdog press…. Mr “Shut up!” himself.

  4. Retzilian says:

    CH, I have enjoyed reading your blog and waxed rhapsodic (love that) about it over at Glenn’s. I had been out of town for a few days in SFO and had to catch up with the latest, and I have to say these recent entries are some of your best; particularly the previous one.

    Prior to 2003, I never realized just how bad the media was, especially FOX, in terms of how bent the information. I was following a murder case that was featured on Greta’s show regularly and was constantly nonplussed at the misinformation spewed by her and her “expert” panel. At the time, I had a blog that was pretty active and I used to write “Off the Record” spoofs of Greta’s “On the Record” panel.

    Once I learned that the media were totally unreliable with something as insignificant as a murder trial, I knew to distrust them wholly about anything important. I was introduced to the entire cast of FOX characters, including O’Reilly, whom I had never even knew existed before 2003. Like you, I watch excerpts on C&L or through RG. Who could watch his show and take him seriously?

    Ok, don’t answer that. heh.

    • cocktailhag says:

      Ah, I noticed, and do humbly thank you for your waxings. It seemed cheesy and whorish to do so in that forum, though. I just about fell off a chair laughing when someone (little brother?) imagined me garrotting you, when you stopped midway…. “A curler was found at the scene,” the sheriff intoned in the CSI version.
      When the Al Franken show began here in 2004, I was immediately hooked, since I work in construction and a radio can make the day short or long… and anything O’Reilly always made for a side-splitting day. If you have a cheap used book source, a guy named Amman, I think, wrote a book back then called, unnecessarily, “Sweet Jesus, I Hate Bill O’Reilly.” I took it on a train trip and laughed so loudly the whole way I almost got cut off. Almost.
      If you haven’t seen Robert Greenwald’s, “Outfoxed,” I’d also highly recommend that.

  5. Retzilian says:

    Yes, that garrotting comment was hilarious. I have seen “Outfoxed” as well as his film on WalMart, Iraq for Sale and others. He’s great.

    I wrote a song parody for Bill O’Reilly to the tune of “Goodness Gracious Great Balls of Fire” called “Goodness Gracious Get my Falafel.” If you know the story about his sexual harrassment lawsuit, you would appreciate it.

    • cocktailhag says:

      Oh, it’s a big, big topic in “Sweet Jesus,” and to tell you the truth, I haven’t eaten a falafel since. Kind of like “Fast Food Nation” and hamburgers. Once that image is in your mind, abstinence suddenly looks appealing. Talk about Hurl Check… Bill O’Reilly in a shower? Makes that scene in “Psycho” look like a walk in the park.

      • Retzilian says:

        My greatest literary influences were MAD magazine and Mark Twain.

        So, a bit of the song:

        You missed me baby, wooo….here’s my plan
        Listen baby, I’ll get you ready for a virile man
        You’re fine, You’re mine
        How dare you tell the world I’m swine, swine, swine!


        I consider O’Reilly to be too big a target, like Rush. I get a little tired of Olbermann’s tedious network war with him and think it takes something away from “Countdown.” Otherwise, I still think KO and now Rachel are the only cable news shows worth watching — on podcast.

        • cocktailhag says:

          I’ll learn it on the piano and we can take it on the road… I guess I like O’Reilly in the same way I liked 50′s furniture before it was cool. When I was in college, you could get a boomerang table for two bucks, and now they’re six grand. People like Bill are getting rare, you know. He’s like my crazy grandmother Etta; a voice from a different and embarrassing time, and danged proud of it. When O’Reilly goes on a rant, railing against the world in general, I think of Etta, with her white mushroom-shaped hair and mink coat, making a scene in a department store or restaurant. Histrionic social dominators like that are almost endearingly quaint today, having been replaced by something much more suave and oily.
          I’m just old fashioned enough to like my crazy straight up.

  6. Arren says:

    Ms. Hag,

    I could cite any of several turns of phrase present in this very article as proof positive of your mastery (mistressy?) of scathing wit – but this was my favorite:

    …barking, repetitive prose worthy of a 13 year old J Edgar Hoover

    Your bitingly irreverent style is nonpareil!

    • cocktailhag says:

      Aw, shucks, Arren… I just calls ‘em as I see’s ‘em, thinking of the Director in a negligee, eating bon bons and reading the galleys of “Masters of Deceit” in the bubble bath.

  7. mikeinportc says:

    Billo told the truth (sort of)? If I didn’t already know that he and his fellow travelers are irony-challenged, I might have mistaken the above for self-depreciating humor. Nope. Just plain comedy(unintentional, as per usual) . Score that one BSFN. (Blind Squirrel Finds Nut)

    ps (belatedly) Hi Karen :) My email send box has worked only one day in the last few months.

  8. BobV says:

    I accumulate quite a bit of data, much more than most people, yet folks usually consider my version of reality to be a bit distorted, to put things kindly. Perhaps I should give ideology a more of a chance.

    Glad to see the camera is still working.

    Here’s an article I think you might appreciate:


    “500 million square feet of commercial real estate has been developed in Beijing since 2006, more than all the office space in Manhattan.”

    “A baseball stadium that opened last spring with an exhibition game between the Dodgers and the San Diego Padres, is being demolished. Its owner says it also will use the land for a shopping mall.”

    Reduce, reuse, recycle! Sounds sort of like disposable contact lenses, or paper plates and plastic flatware.

    (It’s Hiroshima, not Heroshima, unless I’m missing something.)

    • cocktailhag says:

      Yeesh. Spelling errors. Dang spell check never recognizes those types of names. I look forward to all these new shopping malls. You never know when you might need a Cinnabon. I noticed in that article, which was very good, that the 14 year absorption rate is based on the boom. It looks more like 50 years now. Lots of people who make $6000 per year want quarter million dollar apartments, I bet.
      Thanks for checking in, Bob. The camera is working quite nicely….

  9. mikeinportc says:

    I accumulate quite a bit of data, much more than most people, yet folks usually consider my version of reality to be a bit distorted, to put things kindly. Perhaps I should give ideology a more of a chance

    I hear ya, Bob. Throwing facts at a wall of teh stoopid usually results in looks that say I’m the crazy one. ;)

    As for the article, amazing what one can do with a command economy (in part). Have occasionally wondered if some of the “great” architectural/logistical wonders of yore were similar boondoggles in their time.
    In the other direction, I recently attended a lecture on sustainability, at the most recent CNYNLA seminar. (for landscrapers, nurserymen, & LA’s). Don’t have a link handy, but if interested look up Tim Toland, at my alma mater, SUNY College of Environmental Science & Forestry (ESF).

    ps Teabagged squirrel? Ugh. There’s a visual I’ll have to burn out of my brain,…… with something worse. :( Reminds me of a John Waters film. (Can’t remember name, but it was funny.)

    • cocktailhag says:

      The film was “Pink Flamingoes,” and I believe the accompanying line was, “Do my balls, Mom.” It’s the one where Divine eats dog poop at the end. You have very fancy taste in movies, Mike.

  10. OSR says:

    They need solid information about what is actually happening in order to make difficult decisions on personal spending, and perhaps seeking new employment in a more secure industry. So, self-protection dictates that they secure the most reliable sources of information available.

    The irony of this statement is, indeed, rich considering that Fox was built on collective stupidity. Regardless, it’s a little late now for his viewers to grow a brain.

    • cocktailhag says:

      What’s so creepy about Bill, is he makes up these narratives, structures his shows to push them, and then pronounces that these narratives are what his “folks” believe. Well, duh. Take the dumbest and most credulous Americans, feed them BS that plays on their resentments and fears, and lo, they wind up swallowing it.
      My feeling is that FOX watchers need Bill more than ever as the fake scenery collapses all around them.

  11. timothy3 says:

    CH, this “who’d have thought a bunch of Franco-commie hippies at GE and Disney would be so clever as to dream up, between bong rips, a front like CNBC, just to throw the “folks” off the scent of pot and patchouli?” reminded me of something I read at (I think, DailyKos) about the whole “Chicago tea bag” (was that the term?) being–surprise!–a scam from the outset.
    Christ, I sometimes think this must be a joke. Must be.
    Then I wake up and read the “news.”

    • cocktailhag says:

      It was a scam, planned since last year and funded by the usuals. I wrote a bit about it at UT, and more has come out since. And in all these months of nefarious planning, none of these busy righty elves ever said, “y’know, maybe we should google “teabag.”
      The Dunces of the Confederacy, at it again.

  12. Sir N.W. Woods says:


    ‘McCarthyite Esperanto’ LOL

    Great post. I have been looking in from time to time and you, er, I mean this blog has got legs!
    Keep up the good work.

    **3) The hag started drinking early.**


  13. Meremark says:

    Thankfully there’s dumb and dumber so O’Rudely has a fount of fans from the latter. (By which I plagiarize an all-time favorite Esquire article head-subhead combo punch: ‘What is a rube?‘ – Someone once asked where my fans come from and I said there’s a slow leak in Iowa. I don’t remember reading any of the article through the tears of laughter, still hazy after all these years.)

    OhRudely’s fiction-radio faction went bankrupt. Kaput. Off the air, as of now. FWIWW … for what it wasn’t worth.

    Meantime, the fiction-TV faction nears meltdown in 3 … 2 … 1 apoplexy inducing words: SenatorAlFranken.

    And here’s a little meme we can all join in with (pass it on), it’s very simple and I hope it’s true:
    Nuremberg Trials Provide Legal Precedent For Prosecuting Purveyors Of Hate, by William Cormier, OpEd News, February 28, 2009. Including this ponderable petard: Julius Streicher was not a member of the military and did not take part in planning the Holocaust, or the invasion of other nations. Yet his pivotal role in inciting the extermination of Jews was significant enough …. Streicher was found guilty of crimes against humanity at the Nuremberg War Crimes Trial and sentenced to death … (pass it on) for talking illogical monologic on the radio.

    Just as a general rule, (for furthering fans), in addition to other oases already mentioned here, (groaning beneath the ad clutter and besides the rightist-troll ack-ack flack), is another mirth and merry-making webpsyche: Op Ed News .COM I recommend the headlines, if nothing else. Well, the really isn’t much else when you enter the melee.

    • cocktailhag says:

      I want to see O’Reily’s show the day Al is sworn in. Greenwald wrote about watching the elections, that it was fun to watch a Republican defeat on FOX… Like being at a funeral for someone you’re glad is dead, but everyone else is in deep mourning.
      Haven’t checked out opednews in a while; thanks for reminding me.

  14. Jim White says:

    Wow, is the world coming to an end? Now we have Michael Steele and Rush Limbaugh fighting it out over the airwaves? They just can’t make enough popcorn for this one!

    • cocktailhag says:

      It’s better than that, Jim. Today on Ed Schultz, Richard Viguerie said that all Republicans, except Jindal and Sanford, are basically commies. If Rush Limbaugh tips over from overeating and drug use, maybe my crazy grandmother Etta will rise from the dead to lead the party.

    • Karen M says:

      Yep, time to break out a case of Cracker Jack!

      • cocktailhag says:

        I have a blog title all figured out… “Dunces of the Confederacy,” that’s gelling in my mind..
        Any funny ideas?

        • Dirigo says:

          They’ve been reduced to regional party status, and they’re probably still grappling with that unfortunate electoral fact.

          This is a whole new food fight, a spectacle involving dueling second-raters, overshadowed now by the fat, media prince.

          Party leaders, whoever they are or will be, are faced with confronting Limbaugh, one way or the other, sooner or later.

          If they grovel to him, he’ll distort the party even more. If they confront him, they risk a bigger split.

          He’s a showman first and foremost, so he must have the spotlight on him, whether it’s theirs or his.

          He’ll hog it for as long as he can.

          What’s that sucking sound?

          • Dirigo says:

            Russsshhhh Limbaugh: the American Falstaff from Cape Girardeau ….

          • Karen M says:

            That sound was the new RNC chairman, Michael Steele, apologizing to Limbaugh, sort of… by backpedaling.

            Whooeeee! Limbaugh as the nominal head of the party? Again, I say, what is not to like?

        • Karen M says:

          Maybe you could take a scene from “Deliverance,” rewrite it (sort of) with the names change to expose the guilty and ridiculous, and I’ll bet you could add some audio, too. Dueling banjos?

          • Dirigo says:

            Yeah, or at least some clips of the contenders and hangers-on, snipped to the beat of the “Deliverance” theme.

            I need some tech support.

  15. Dirigo says:

    Accordong to a late report today on Politico, RNC Chief Steele is apologizing to Rush for his intemperate remarks, aimed at the fat prince.

  16. mikeinportc says:

    “Dunces of the Confederacy,” that’s gelling in my mind..
    Any funny ideas?

    Yeah, but they’re inherently unfair .Might only be acceptably funny if you’re one of ‘em. Although there are a lot there, there’s also a lot everywhere else.
    Fer instance……. back in ’06, as the floodwaters of a once-in-500yrs-flood (that was repeated 3 mos. later ;) were raging, some doofus running against Spitzer had a photo-op on the riverbank at Confluence Park in Binghamton. He stood right on top of the riverbank, (that I expected to collapse any sec. – ~75′ from a similar spot right here in the portc, felt like the proverbial train going through!) and said that state regulations were responsible. (Not the 10-18″ of rain falling on the already saturated land of Two-Stones-For-Every-Dirt!*) Nevermind that it’s been repeatedly demonstrated that dredging and straightening streams increases flooding, and the resultant damage. Anyhow…. ya get the picture. Don’t know about where you are, but dunces are ubiquitous here. On second thought, we have exported a lot of ‘em southward (see Ravin’ Randall Terry, and Eric Robert Rudolph’s mentor). You might have a point.

    * The title of a history of Delaware County

    Btw, the movie I was thinking of was Pecker. Waters must have thing about teabagging. I do hazily recollect spewing as a Fox talking head used the term , and obviously didn’t know what it meant . Might have been Billo, but as it was teh extreme shtoopid
    was more likely somebody else. Steve Duncey…er ..Ducey, perhaps?

    pps. I think there is something (blog? book? etc?) entitled Confedracy Dunces . You might get sued. :0

  17. mikeinportc says:

    ^ * Confederacy of Dunces*

  18. cocktailhag says:

    The new post is already up…..
    Let me know what y’all think…