Story time with uncle dick

Over at Politico, three intrepid journalists, Joe, Moe, and Curly, looked around Washington, and not seeing anything interesting or consequential going on, piled into the minivan for a trip to a dumpy, unmarked office in suburban Virginia to uncover some real news, from the one source they trust, Dick Cheney.  Scampering down the hallway, they were greeted by the former Veep, and presumably served Gummi bears and Kool-aid by his accommodating daughter Liz (she’s the other one, whose husband has a penis) so they could sit down at Uncle Dick’s feet and hear some of their favorite spooky stories.

Of course, they were the same  stories he’s been telling for years, and pretty much no one on the planet believes, but the Politico boys just never get tired of this stuff.  Pity their readers.  Cheney, to their apparent surprise, “was in a self-vindicating mood.”  (Knock me over with a feather, but do go on…)  He also helpfully explained that his upcoming memoir, which will  assuredly have Americans queuing up around the block at Barnes and Noble,  would also set the record straight, once and for all, and was merely held up until the “statute of limitations has expired.”  Of course, none of these wide-eyed moppets looked up from their crayons long enough to to query that such a statement could only come from a criminal, one who during the same story hour reminded them, as though it were necessary, that protecting them from the monsters under their beds was “a tough, mean, dirty, nasty, business.”  Lying to credulous reporters is evidently the easy part.

Indeed, it was little more than a Dick Cheney’s golden oldies rehash, with all the usual bits about how “turning the other cheek” is a chump’s game when dealing with “evil,” “hardened,” terrorists, with a new yarn, cribbed from Condi Rice, about how, natch, no one could have predicted the economic collapse.  (with the possible exception of Dick himself, who has been moving assets offshore for years, but that detail never came up.)

Having read the article, twice, backwards and forwards, I was unable to find anything in it that could conceivably be called news, except the fact that the story was written at all.  Although it mentions airily, almost in passing, that Dick is less popular than the clap in a whorehouse, it fails to explain why the fact that Dick is, all these two weeks later, still a fear-mongering, delusional, lying sociopath is considered news.  Everybody already knows about the Legacy Project, and what its tiresome talking points are, but Politico seems to understand that some things are just so startlingly unbelievable that there’s no repeating them too often, so they’re giving Uncle Dick a hand.  Catapulting the propaganda is tough on a guy who’s had a few dozen heart attacks and just got another boo-boo when his tie got caught in the shredder and he hurt his leg on the man-size safe….  But I digress.

One piece of charming atmospheric detail did manage to sneak in some actual “news” that I found heartening, and unintentionally telling.  In mentioning a recent phone conversation with his similarly despised ex-boss, Dick said, “We’re both citizens…  civilians.”  What, in heaven’s name, Mr. Five Deferments, were you before?

Unsurprisingly, Politico didn’t ask that, either.  Steven Colbert would be so proud.  The rest of us, somewhat less so.

22 Comments

  1. Dirigo says:

    They’re trying to de-legitimize Obama.

    • cocktailhag says:

      Clearly. And in such a pathetic, dated, and uncreative way. If there is another terrorist attack, it’s them. Period. I’ll be the biggest Troother in curlers.

  2. timothy3 says:

    My favorite line was the statute of limitations one. Isn’t that 1) an acknowledgment of law-breaking (or, as some of us prefer it, breaking the law)?; and 2) what statute of limitations on torture? And, I guess, 3) did he cover these journalistic paragons with spittle, what with all that snarling?
    Nicely written, CH.

    • cocktailhag says:

      Thanks, T3… I’ve only been doing this a couple weeks, but I’m starting to like it. Sadly, the BS comes pouring out each day, but if you’re in the mood to write something scathing, the world is your oyster.

  3. Jim White says:

    That was hilarious. Thanks for encapsulating it for me. I refuse to click on Politico.com because I don’t want that filth on my machine.

    Emptywheel also had a great post today about the only picture on Uncle Dick’s wall. It’s great reading, too.

    • cocktailhag says:

      I happened upon it accidentally, from Raw Story, but was drawn in, as if by a gruesome accident. And in the end, what a treat it was. Glenn has clobbered the Politico boys several times, but I really had no idea of the stupidity going on there. I think, more in sorrow than anger, of the SNL parody of Bush I idiocy, where Michael Dukakis says, incredulously, “I’m losing to this guy?”
      People read Politico?
      Enough to drive me to the bottle….

    • rmp says:

      I knew it was trash last night when I started reading it, but I included it in my Blast because I knew the stupid M$M would be all over it. When The Dick called Politico to tell them he wanted to Dick POTUS, they should have told him to crawl back in his secret safe and await his chance to tell it to a jury or commission.

      Can you give me that Emptywheel link Jim?

  4. hrh says:

    God love ya, Hag darlin, as my dear departed (and hard drinkin’) granny would have said. You do have a way with words. And I also love the “cover photo” on the site — tres attitude! Keep up the great work.

    • cocktailhag says:

      Why thanks… I’m glad you checked in. I plan to continue slaving over a hot keyboard, in memory of your Granny, so come back. God knows this crap practically writes itself.

  5. rmp says:

    Glenn just finished with Rachel and as expected did a great job. It would not take long for him to blossom as Rachel has and produce a hit TV show. He would have to work on this theatricality. I’m sure Hag you could round up some hags to help him on that. Dirigo could also give him some Shakespearean stuff.

    Glenn in the time allotted, really nailed The Dick. I don’t see how he could have done any better. I suggested on one of his threads that he could do like Paul Krugman did tonight and appear by satellite. Salon should fund a home studio for him although I don’t think Joan would like it if he started appearing more often on cable TV than she did.

    • cocktailhag says:

      I thought he was good. I think Glenn’s charm is his wonky earnestness; too much “delivery” might compromise that. (for instance, I thought Rachel’s bullhorn was childish and annoying.) I did like his snappy, perfectly knotted red tie, though… let’s hope he doesn’t wear the same one on Moyers like he did last time.

  6. rmp says:

    OT In honor of George Carlin (I’m sure the hags loved him)

    They are honoring the late, great Carlin tonight at Lincoln Center bestowing on him the Mark Twain Prize. At the same time I was watching it, I just had this email exchange with my buddy in Japan.

    Ted- Once you resolve the debate between renditions and extraordinary renditions there remains the question of how many angels can dance on the head of a pin.

    RMP- I am listening to a tribute to George Carlin with a lot of bits from him. So in his honor let me say, “There are no fucking angels, pinhead!”

  7. rmp says:

    Small correction so I don’t get the hags mad. It was the JFK Center for the Performing Arts. Watching Carlin is watching a master who had more truth in one bit, than the Repugs and Busheviks see in a lifetime.

    • cocktailhag says:

      I read a great, long article about Carlin; I think it was NYT mag’s end of year issue… Too bad with the M$M what it is today, he wouldn’t have an ice cube’s chance in Hell, taking on the establishment like that.

    • Karen M says:

      I think they already showed that one here… it sounds so familiar. That Mark Twain prize is something I’m always on the lookout for on PBS. (Although, the one with Steve Martin as the winner was a bit disappointing. Maybe it was just me.)

      - Karen

  8. bebop-o says:

    Cocktailhag. Darlin’ is right. Yes! Everybody How can anyone keep up with these shenanigans? Whoa.
    Cocktailhag. Daily post is filed on transnational’s tycoon web-sites under a:` Baloney Pants On Fire?
    huh. Dangerous. It reminds me of DCs stroke victim. She gets fired from Cargill Sunlight Foundation.
    Unemployed, he/she lands a HUD ‘gig’ as DCs Hearse Rental Driver. Then, getting stuck in a gridlock.
    Stuck in gridlock in DC city traffic jam, Cocktailhag sits and hat-tips Pedinska as she pool sunbathes.
    She lights a gumie bear, drinks bier with Cocctaihag, and fishes for guppies and gold fish @ UT huh!
    Well, as time flies bye?
    Happy preseason wish?
    Happy Valentines Days!
    ~Karen always remind me?
    of Walt Whitman Chocolate.
    I wish all ya’s pink corsages.
    Cheesecake. Gourmet kisses.
    Hershey kisses are not as fun.
    Maybe this is just me. Heehaw.
    O.`No bemoan. B.O. soap opera?
    If Valentine candy is eaten, Let’s
    not get any cavities? Floss @ UT?
    Chew Wrigley’s sugarless bumble.
    Gum? No. Swallow a bumble bee?
    Who do make sense of nonsense?
    Haggle over a price of ice cream?
    Ay Cocktail wear hair curlers. Ya!

  9. bebop-o says:

    Cocktailhag. apologies. I am NO allowed to post any comments at Salon.
    That’s one way to keep out of many silly predicaments. I miss Mrs. Pediska.
    Tell her? I need to ‘ring’ her. I lost my britches in a brush fire and a pickle.
    If she ever wants a job as a short-order pickle canner, cook, I’ll bake a cake.
    I’ll make her devils food cake for Valentines Day. She can play solitaire @ UT?
    She’s posting now. So, NO disturb. NO say anything to disrupt wildfire threads.

  10. bebop-o says:

    Cocktailhag. Never mind. I just noticed that Pedinska is dabbling in paleontology.
    After the PST 11:37 ‘hit’ Pedinska’s sig:`I’ll take up puffing an illegal Cuban Cigars.
    There’s an ambulance on call at the moment. My luck, a reckless wooly mammoth,
    may bite, or sideswipe Dick Chaney. Or, worst, poor Mr. Dashel dash-hound doggie.
    I’ll listen to oldie BB King’s blues. I’ll dress in Goth black, and walk in the Ladies room.
    Ya can’t blame one if they lie, and declare they never knew it was the Ladies Public pot.
    I’ll check the local farm tax accountant to see if all is in arrears. I’m No too reckless yet.
    Legal folk do that. Lawyers enter the wrong deju vu. huh. Maybe there’s ’1′ good women?

    • bebop-o says:

      Big Brother is teasing poor Lotus Foot.
      All that is in a pile of dung is a future.
      Look deeply. There is an emerging one.
      All dung compost breeds a community.
      Yup. That’s true. Ya can’t grow a lotus,
      without the little bit of waste materials.
      A compost yields pretty red roses. Yes.

  11. Karen M says:

    I see that bebop-o has already made a comment about your categories, but I wanted say, anyway, that I have to start paying more attention to them. They’re so hilarious!

    • cocktailhag says:

      I’m glad you like them, Karen, and you, too, Bop. The one you might not understand is “Holy Singers,” which is what we called choirs as kids, because they reminded us of church. Later, when I was in college, ABC (the pop band) had a video for the song “look of Love,” where, when the choral backups came on, they were nuns. So I’m not the only one….