then it must be so

Many tired, fiction-based excuses have been trotted out for not prosecuting the war crimes of the Bush Administration, particularly torture, and all have become mind-numbingly familiar by now, but it seems that flat-worlder Tom Friedman had to think about them for a while, perhaps talk to a few cab drivers, before he weighed in on this pressing issue, while the world held its breath in anticipation.  And knock me over with a feather, Tom says Dick Cheney was right.  

Every time ol’ Tom comes down on the side of the ex-VP, which is pretty much always, he is careful to provide a platitude-ridden pile of boring, Mr. Rogers-like words to wrap around whatever outrage he’s endorsing that day, which are designed to “prove” to his  long-suffering audience, assuming that they’re fourth graders, that, shucks, it’s the best we can do.  Today is no exception.  You see, even before the Friedman Unit was invented, Tom has believed a whole host of things that are dumb, false, and immoral, but lacking the time or inclination to make up fresh justifications, he simply restates what the “kill Arabs” crowd is saying, or would say, if they were as credulous and empty-headed as Tom.  Unaccountably, he gets paid for this, and not even by the Heritage Foundation, as far as I know.

You see, just because we tortured people, 100 of them to death, the glorious omelette of Iraqi Democracy inevitably involved breaking some eggs; one must blow up a lot of olive trees to get a Lexus, as it were.  Death and destruction of countries and people, sadly, can’t be avoided when Tom has a vision of a brighter future.  And, having been second only to his former Times colleague William Kristol in being wrong about everything, he sympathizes with the need to change the subject and, natch, move forward.

He cites the following reasons that torturers must go unpunished, not because he thought of them himself, but because he heard them somewhere.  Well, everywhere.

1)  Prosecutions might go all the way up to George Bush and Donald Rumsfeld, which would “rip our country apart.”    Hmmmm.  That’s original.

2) Al Qaeda is “undeterred by normal means.”  Not that anyone tried normal means as Clinton employed against the 1993 WTC bombers, or have credibly shown that terrorists are “deterred” by the abnormal means that have demonstrably left many dead during the Bush years, but it’s hard to write two columns a week employing actual, hard-to-find facts when you’d rather be scarfing cheeseburgers and watching FOX.

3) Al Qaeda “aspired to deliver a devastating blow to America.”  Worse, they don’t even love their children like the Russians did.  This toned down variation of “Suck.  On.  This.” is good enough for Tom, so it should be good enough for us.

4) “They” chopped off Daniel Pearl’s head!   Ahhh.  Friedman as Freeper; now I’m convinced.

5) In just a few more Friedman units, which mercifully are only implied this time, Iraq will bloom as a beacon of Freedom, sort of like Houston with camels, and that’ll really show ‘em.

6) War is ugly; a fact Tom evidently gleaned from literature.

Well, that was worth waiting for.  Just like before the Iraq war, tough choices had to be made, but the oracle has spoken, and we can all sleep soundly knowing that Tom approves.   Oddly, he adds at the end that the dreamed of victory in Iraq might get “them” so riled up that they’ll set off a bomb in an American city as a “Hail Mary pass,” which pretty much negates all the thudding poppycock that went before, but he had to finish his 700 words before his cheeseburger got cold, and no one reads this stuff anyway.

Thanks for clearing that up, Tom.

13 Comments

  1. Karen M says:

    “aspired to deliver a devastating blow to America.”

    …and yet that devastating blow was delivered by high-level members of our own government, not by al Qaeda.

    Speaking of Friedman Units… we should be using those to predict how long he and his wife will be suffering from the current economic downturn. Their shopping malls, apparently, are feeling it.

    What a toady! He needs another pie in the face.

  2. cocktailhag says:

    Ah, sweet justice…. the flat world he’s been trumpeting all these years left no one with any money to go to the mall. Who’d a thunk?

  3. bystander says:

    I have lost my ability to read Tom Friedman. If I so much as hear Tom Friedman’s name I get a rash. I can barely stand reading about Tom Friedman. I’m probably fortunate I don’t experience acute anaphylaxis even thinking about Tom Friedman. Tom Friedman, in any dimension, requires a generous dose of an antidote liberally applied to the severe allergic reaction that is surely forthcoming. Tom Friedman gives me the hives and makes me gag. Tom Friedman needs to FOAD.

    • rmp says:

      I’m with you, even though I knew when I saw the subject of his column that it would be good fodder for Glenn, I couldn’t bring myself to read it or even just go to it to get the link.

      I was at a County Fair meeting during the Obama Press Conference tonight, but have been able to hear and read what he said about torture. I am exceptionally disappointed that Obama and his top aides refuse to admit if waterboarding is torture, which he said again tonight, then it is a crime and can’t be forgiven just because the intentions were honorable, which they weren’t.

      • bystander says:

        One benefit to the torture apologists in Glenn’s threads is you do get to hone your thinking about the unthinkable. If a person can’t accept that it’s immoral, and can’t accept that it’s illegal, and finally, disallows that any benefit – not matter how large or small – is waterboarded by the costs, then it’s clear that that individual is looking to rationalize the irrational, “appear to fix” what is shattered beyond all repair, and “pretend to make well” that which is terminally ill.

        I can find no justification for treating a human being as though they are not human. There are international organizations for the humane treatment of animals that would not admit to what was ordered in Cheney’s black sites.

        If the actors in this horrifying drama are so sure that their intentions ought to be considered a mitigating circumstance, then let them turn themselves in and submit to an investigation, and subsequent prosecution. Let a court decide. Let a jury have its say. Let the sentence reflect their intentions if they are found guilty.

    • cocktailhag says:

      Goodness, MK… I’d almost say you have something against walrus mustached nincompoops. I’m in NY at the moment, so now’s my chance to fulfill my fantasy of dropping an air conditioner on him. I’ll show you flat, fat ass. There’s a spare one in the basement here, which I’d gladly lug over on the L train if I knew where he was walking.

      • rmp says:

        What makes you think he walks anywhere or even goes into an office at the NYT? Well maybe he does live in Manhattan, but if so, he probably goes by his own car, limo or taxi and is not vulnerable for very long. I don’t see him spending much time among the masses, otherwise he might learn something about real life and it wouldn’t be so easy to keep spewing out the propaganda.

        • cocktailhag says:

          Well, I can throw an air conditioner further than most hags. Maybe he’s showing up at the office more often since his meal ticket went banko. I’m a cock-eyed optimist, I guess, just like Tom.

          • Karen M says:

            Forget the pie I mentioned earlier on…

            This is better, and if you even hit his car or limo, I think that would be startling enough.

            I can hear him now:

            “Hey, Chicken Littles, the sky really is falling down upon us!”

  4. JoeMommaSan says:

    For the first time in my life, I’m sorry I’m an atheist.

    Because I want to scream “For the love of God, people!” at these idiots and I can’t.

    • cocktailhag says:

      I think you can save it; it’s unlikely that the word “God” would make any difference. Many more “Christians” approve of torture than do atheists, according to a recent and unsurprising poll. Their God to them is all punishment and no compassion, and they like it that way, ever since the Inquisition.