Cocktailhag rush week

Cocktailhags, as I’m sure you’re aware, are a vanishing breed, due at least in part to Draconian anti-smoking laws, not-so-clean living, and the unflattering glare of eco-sensitive lighting.  In this challenging climate, we have realized that we can’t reproduce, so we must recruit.  Let Cocktailhag Rush Week begin.

 Now, I’m sure you’re thinking that since Hillary Clinton pledged, we’d be satisfied, but times are tough, and there are a lot of women in public life who need to just go ahead, come on down to Palm Springs, and put on a turban;  I’ll pour you something, and you’ll feel better.  Here are some of the girls I’m tapping:

Condi Rice:  Sweetie, we’ve all been itching to borrow your clothes, and we’re sure that you’ll discover that that flat place to the right of the keyboard is where the drink goes.  Once you become an official Cocktailhag, you can claim that all those times you lied you must have been drunk.

Maureen Dowd:  Although we’d all prefer that you you drink alone, if you can finagle a fancy enough spa deal, we could probably find someone to go with you, and face it, Sister, a gal like you doesn’t come by friends too easily.  

Ann Coulter:  Isn’t it time to accept the inevitable?  After 20 years of trying, in your gangly, androgynous way, to convince people you’re a woman, now you can finally just give in, old age and false eyelashes make gender irrelevant.

Maria Bartiromo:   You know, a lot of us used to be really hot, too.  I find that a mink coat can hide a lot of figure flaws.

Anyway, besides Jane Harman (member since 2002), can anybody think of any budding Cocktailhags I might be missing?

Update:  Gordon suggested  Andrea Mitchell, whose pancaked mug should have sprung immediately to mind, and given who she’s married to, must already drink early and often.   Then, I checked in at Firedoglake, and on the front page there, before my eyes, was Peggy Noonan, and in case I didn’t get the idea, she was pouring a cocktail she appeared to need desperately.

Update II: I decided to add Phyllis Schlafly to the list, and Helen Thomas as a Haggis Emeritus.  Tomorrow I’m talking to my cousin Paula, who lives in Fauborg Marigny in New Orleans, about what I hope will be a bunch of posts on that place and subject.  Anybody have any ideas about what we should talk about?


  1. Gordon Ginsberg says:

    Andrea Mitchell?

    • cocktailhag says:

      Ohhh… How did I miss her? She’s practically a waxwork. Update forthcoming…

      • Dirigo says:

        How about Suzanne Somers? She seems very much on the verge of hagdom.

        • cocktailhag says:

          Yeah, but if we starting opening it up to every ’70′s tart, pretty soon we’ll have all of Charlie’s Angels, too…. My Cocktailhag sorority is for political Cocktailhags only. Entertainers must be a bit more outspoken to qualify. (RIP, Eartha Kitt, heroine of all cocktailhags…)
          I was thinking of other possibles; not Laura Bush, she’s too boring and dresses like a sofa. Nancy Pelosi? Possibilities there, but she’s maybe too much of a goody two shoes. DiFi is too dumpy and dowdy, and Kay Bailey Hutchinson and of course, Liddy Dole, are starting to slide past hagdom and into assisted living. We want gals with some miles left on them.

          • Pedinska says:

            Michelle McConnell, of course. ;-}

          • Dirigo says:

            Do you have a three-ring binder with the rules? I think I’m going to have to study up on this. But it sounds like a fun hobby for sure.

            You’ve got me going.

            In these troubled times, what is a cocktail hag really?

          • William TImberman says:

            Definitely NOT Nancy Pelosi. Not enough salt. How about Imelda Remedios Visitacion Romualdez-Marcos. She’s 80 now, but how can you beat this, from just last year:

            First of all, I am so happy and I thank the Lord that the 32 cases have been dismissed by the regional court here in Manila. This will subtract from the 901 cases that were filed against the Marcoses.

            If she won’t do, how about Victoria Gotti? (Mother or daughter, take your pick.)

      • Bill says:

        Oh!, Hag

        Take the slash off the end of the link you have for the Wog and it’ll work better.

  2. cocktailhag says:

    Her voice is a little high…. But a turban would definitely be an improvement. With a big jewel on the front. I’m going nuts that I’m not a photoshop wizard….

  3. cocktailhag says:

    Cocktailhags, like witches, can be good and bad, Dirigo, but you know one if you see one. Eartha=good; MoDo=bad; Ann Richards=good; Condi=bad. There’s a yin and yang involved. If married, they seldom get too worked up about it. They must have a sense of humor, and their glamor must not be so deteriorated that they couldn’t still lure a horny geezer if they had to. A gravelly voice is preferred, but as long as it gets a bit slurred later in the evening, it’s ok.

    • rmp says:

      One I could love, do love, is Helen Thomas. Talk about not aging even though the bod is more than aged. That’s one hag that no one pushes around. I note that with Gibbs, she speaks up without being recognized and now quite a few others are doing it. If there is a heaven, they better prepare.

      • cocktailhag says:

        Yes, she is a special one, and has been knocking back bourbons with the best of them since the Kennedy era. Her voice alone makes her a jewel in the crown of cocktailhagdom, but the last thing I’d want is for her to join the rest of us in the bar at the 19th hole. She has work to do.

  4. Mona says:

    Ok, Cocktailhag. This is it, the totally last straw.

    Must it be an effing cocktail? What of that most excellent fruit of the vine, a fine Merlot, hmmm?

    (And I was once hot, too. Depression causing me to drop all of my formerly disciplined, advanced work-out schedule, combined with paying no attention to what I put in my mouth — which most cannot do after 30 or so, unless they want to blimp out — caused me put on da lbs beginning about 5 yrs ago. I have an appt with Dr next week for advice on how to start out at the Y to recover something like my former prettiness, but without having a heart attack by going too fast at the start.)

    • cocktailhag says:

      Ah, Mona, who was the idiot that said “Pain is beauty, and beauty is pain?” That’s the kind of pain I could certainly use. “Cocktail” is used merely in the metaphoric sense; it only connotes a disdain for abstemiousness; I myself am a microbrew drinker, and only slip into cocktails when they’re seasonal, or free.
      Use caution when embarking on some kind of fitness regimen; those things can kill you, you know. Drinking something out of a pineapple (vitamins!) is much safer.

    • rmp says:

      Having been on a yo yo for far too many years and fairly stabilized for the last 15, the secret is starting very slowly. I found an approach like this to work. Set up a distance and travel that distance, say two miles, each time you go out. When you want to switch from walking to running, run a short distance at the very end. Each time after make the end distance longer and longer in small increments. Finally you will be running all two miles. Then you can move to three and so on. When you do too much too early, you get sore and tired and don’t want to do it again. I’ve gotten out of shape, due to too much computer/political time, weather, and arthritis in one knee, and icy/snowy sidewalks so I am going to have to go slow when I get serious again. Of course I should be exercising indoors instead of making excuses.

    • William TImberman says:

      If you’ll put an olive (or a cherry, or an onion) in it, or garnish it with a twist, you just might slip by. At least you’re better off than I am. No matter what the tipple, there’s no way I can overcome the gender dissonance.

      Which is too bad, really, because the snippets I used to overhear while serving gaggles of these formidable creatures at the Fort Sill Officers Club all those decades ago were eye-opening. Being 17 at the time, it was a revelation to learn that contrary to what my football coach was telling us, men don’t actually run the universe.

      Ever since, I’ve wondered how they’ve managed to keep such a secret from half the world. (Teenage boys aren’t actually part of the world, and so don’t count.)

      • cocktailhag says:

        Well, it’s time for the hags to really take charge. The fuckups are too big to handle sober.

      • rmp says:

        Contrary to myth, women totally control everything about the family in Japan. The husbands sole job is to provide the income. He makes no decisions nor controls any money. He does control his company expense account if he is a top boss. Does that make all okusans (wives) hags? The men are left to conduct business and government.

        The men running the Liberal Democratic Party in Japan have and still are making a total mess of it. The LDP leaders, except for not starting wars, are worse than the Busheviks as far as running a ruthless empire. And they are supremely better at pork than our congress critters. Actually pork is pretty much all the Japanese government does along with funding corporations/banks etc.

        • cocktailhag says:

          In my business, I find that it’s generally the wives who make the decisions, but maybe that doesn’t count because it revolves around “home.” I think it’s been shown again and again that male-dominated organizations are prone to poor decision-making; is that because men are more impulsive, or is it because male-dominated organizations tend to authoritarianism? I don’t know the answer.

          • Mona says:

            My 30-year-old son is one to buy on impulse — cars, a 52″ LDT Teevee, or whatever. The only reason his credit is now almost clean is because for 5 years he’s been married a marvelous woman who *demanded* that he could not purchase anything big ticket without her consent.

            She controls the $$ in their household, and Son is actually grateful for skills in that area. (Not to mention that she is a gorgeous, long-legged, stacked blonde.)

          • cocktailhag says:

            I guess the final backstop, Mona, is hoping that those pesky offspring will marry someone who will, at long last, get them in line. I’m already of the age where just about everyone is in their second marriage, but I find that the ones that work utilize complementary talents. In the best situations, the one who can’t perform in a particular area is delighted to put the task in more competent hands, and each partner is free to avoid unpleasant tasks without risk of disaster.

  5. Gordon Ginsberg says:

    Phyllis Shaffley?

  6. Gordon Ginsberg says:

    Not Cokie Roberts, I think. She’s a hag, but not a cocktail hag.

    • Pedinska says:

      Cokie Roberts is too much of a disingenuous cow to be a cocktail hag.

      Nice to see you Gordon! Wt, Mona, Dirigo etal.

      This is a nice “salon” you’ve assembled here T. ;-}

    • Bill says:

      Such a shame. Her mother is a class act.

      I don’t know what happened to Cokie but she’s turned out to be a real pain in the ass.

  7. Meremark says:

    Sarah Palin. It’s way later than she thinks.

    Timberman, at Ft. Sill, who dug up Geronimo’s grave, didja ever hear?

    • Dirigo says:

      Palin can only become more shrill as the years go by, a qualification for a hag, yes?

      Cokie has a great cackle, but she’s probably a teetotaler.

      Bette Davis? Ah-hah!

      Joan Crawford? I was watching an episode from the first season of “Man Men”, and one of the women was talking about Joan, describing, with disgust, Joan’s eyebrows as looking like caterpillars. That’s a place to start a hag look, wouldn’t you say? Or is a thin pencil line better?

    • cocktailhag says:

      Palin is a fine candidate; she may need a few more years to ripen, but the die is certainly cast.

      • rmp says:

        I know you said there are good and bad hags, but would any self-respecting hag ever shoot wolves from a copter? Palin’s degree of exposure outside of her limited world makes her very ignorant. Why is she a bad hag? I obviously haven’t caught on the criteria yet.

        I just got back from our (the South-East Asia Center where I worked for 14 years) Lunar New Year Dinner and sat next to senator Dick Durbin for 30 minutes and one chair away for another 30 minutes. My boss wanted me to talk about the crosscultural program he and I created and I wanted to talk some politics with him. I utterly failed at both because the other politicians and people who wanted/needed something from him, monopolized his time. About all I got in was a brief description of the curiculum I taught in the public schools and the fact that we had met once before in Indiana where I was door knocking for Obama.

        Of course Durbin didn’t remember me, and he certainly had no reason to, but he said he remembered when he met all of Scott Harper’s (my US House candidate) people outside the HQs in Layfayette. I believe he wasn’t being condescending.

        I also spent a long lunch with Harper yesterday at his invitation and we went over how the next campaign could be run better than the last. I think I will play a role in the next campaign where my experience and skills can be taken advantage of. (I don’t care that I ended a sentence with a proposition) I didn’t think it would be wise to have offered them in the last election because his paid staffers would probably have not been receptive and Scott admitted in our lunch yesterday, as a newby in politics, he probably wouldn’t have been ready to make any significant changes. He is far better prepared for this next go round and i think is going to run a much improved campaign. He didn’t fail to get elected because of these things. He had too high a hill to climb as a newby against a well established incumbent in a red county.

        Now anyone hags who are reading this can now jeer, “We’re happy for you!”

        • cocktailhag says:

          Wow, rmp… That’s great that you got to hang with all those people. I suppose, to a non-political junkie, it seems like a small thing, but I would be much more excited to meet Durbin than, say, Britney Spears. Call me crazy. I met Andrew Cuomo in an elevator about 10 years ago, and for a brief moment I knew how Monica Lewinsky felt. ;)
          You’re right. No hag would ever shoot varmints from the air. It messes up the pelt to have holes in it. Palin’s out.

          • rmp says:

            Actually, I don’t get much thrill from people who put their pants on the same as I do. Mayor Daley would have been there, but he was sick. Rep. Jan Shakowsky who will run against Burris for senator, The state treasurer who is very busy now that Blago is gone, (he showed up because he and his Greek immigrant parents lived in the neighborhood) Jessie White who refused to sign the paper for Burris and other politicians/alderman also came and went. The best conversation I had with Jessie was standing shoulder to shoulder at urinals when he first ran for secretary of state in 1992. Does that give me some chance to become a hag? The urinal stuff I mean.

          • cocktailhag says:

            As far as pants go, RMP, their removal is a heck of a lot more interesting than their putting on, but maybe that’s just me. I think urinal spying is at least as useful as that done in the beauty shop, so of course I’m in favor. Shall we set up a bureau in Naperville?

    • Dirigo says:

      Barbara Bush’s great-great grandmother.

  8. Dirigo says:

    “Mad Men” Interesting show.

  9. Dirigo says:

    “Not so sparky,” is the way an Alaska legislator is expressing concern (see HuffPo) that Gov. Palin may not be fully focused on her job these days.

    Could be a sign of budding hag syndrome, a further emergence perhaps, to be seen as fully flowering by spring.

    • cocktailhag says:

      Hopefully all those epic fails she’s been piling up are adding a few lines to that girlish face; and her current “education” is getting rid of that fake naivete’ that is anathema in hagdom. Too bad she had to give the clothes back, though.
      I bet she had to use really big curlers to get her hair like that.

    • cocktailhag says:

      And such a challenging job it is, being the governor of a state with a few dozen people, all of whom live off the government. That girl’s got bigger fish to fry, now, since she’s become the Sugar Plum Fairy of the crazy right… I expect her show of being governor is already winding down.

  10. Jim White says:

    Here’s a Yin-Yang duo for you: Claire MacCaskill and Kit Bond, the two Senators from Missouri. MacCaskill did an awesome job yesterday, calling out the “idiot” executives on Wall Street who take the big bonuses out of bailout funds. And then there’s known alcoholic Kit Bond, with his babbling to the Washington Times this week that Eric Holder promised him, privately, that he wouldn’t prosecute high ranking Bush officials for torture, so Bond was now ready to confirm Holder. Bond has the scratchy voice and MacCaskill has the brains. She’s young, but coming into her own very quickly.

    • cocktailhag says:

      Jim… That McCaskill speech was something else. She impressed me immensely. Those who dismissed her as a Blue Dog were maybe only half right; and because it’s usually the economic issues the Democrats always cave in on, double points for her. I wonder how much MSM airplay her speech got… As for Bond, if he really said what he said, he ought to be in jail, but you know how that goes these days.

  11. rmp says:

    Hag. Something happened to the “Reply to this comment” choice when I started to talk about pants and urinals. Is that a sign? If we form a group in Naperville, do we call it UR Urinal Time?

  12. rmp says:

    That was a hag bit because you can’t go past the third level.

  13. cocktailhag says:

    That seems like as good a name as any. Now that our previous restroom correspondent, Larry Craig, got a bit distracted from his news gathering, it’s time to get someone else on that beat who will remember the job at hand. (None of the potential puns intended…)

    • Bill says:

      Me! Pick me!!

      What for?

      • cocktailhag says:

        You were already kicking ass at your current job, Jebbie, which was giving that WinSmith the what-for over at UT. I already personally and delightedly thanked Pedinska for her efforts in that area, too. By the way, I’m working on some New Orleans pieces with my cousin who lives in the Marigny… You’re from around there aren’t you? I could use some more input, since she just moved there in 2006.

  14. prettydarntall says:

    The late Gov. Ann Richards seems to be the model you’re striving for: super-wrinkly, yet still kinda hot, boozy and tart of tongue! Plus she verbally slapped Bush Sr.’s wimpy little ass.

    Who can match such a paragon of Hagdom in this age of do-gooders, teetototalers, paragons of political correctness and Botox junkies? Heavy sigh…

    I think you’ve come up with excellent candidates, though. Speaking of candidates – wouldn’t Angela Lansbury from “The Manchurian Candidate” be a charter member? (Oh yeah- she was fictional).

    Love your blog, BTW.

    This is Kendra from the old ‘hood. Your Etta story was a classic.

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