The Long-Lasting Boehner

http://paulboylan.files.wordpress.com/2011/07/john_boehner_scotch.jpg

Call your doctor, America; this Boehner has lasted a lot more than four hours.

It was always hard for me to believe that House Republicans, who are if anything more extreme than in the bombastic Newt’s heyday, settled for a colorless ol’ cocktailhag like the Boehner in the first place.  In a party bursting with manic energy, Boehner is as slothful as he is passionless.  Even his tears and temper tantrums seem half-hearted; just the dues he pays to pretend to lead his merry band of tea party yahoos.  Tellingly, the ever-popular Republican rejoinder, “Go fuck yourself” in Boehner’s booze-soaked warble is but a limp imitation of Dick Cheney’s growling sneer.

Yet in what can only be an utter lack of any credible leaders, Boehner will continue to be Speaker.  As you’d expect, this development won’t be greeted with much enthusiasm in the Fox/Limbaugh axis, but on some level the Republicans must have recognized that an oily reptile like Eric Cantor could damage their brand even more than the most clownish teabagger, so they decided to, well, choose the intoxicated over the toxic.

And is it any wonder?  As we saw in the presidential primaries, what few rising Republican “stars” aren’t certifiable nutcases are shameless grifters, and all of them seem to be blessed with people skills that make Leona Helmsley look like Mother Theresa.  This isn’t a function of the spokesmodels; it’s a function of the brand.  The only Republicans who aren’t utterly poisonous to audiences outside the bubble are vestigial holdovers like Boehner from a superficially saner era, kept around, apparently, for their antique value more than any semblance of political effectiveness.

Like all Boehners, though, this one will eventually go down, and what will spring up in its place?

 

13 Comments

  1. Teddy says:

    The priapic House caucus makes a hard choice, again.

  2. cocktailhag says:

    I don’t know… for a Boehner, he seems pretty flaccid.

  3. nswfm says:

    LOL! As usual, you have a wonderful way with words. I’m glad you are back!

  4. RUKidding says:

    I don’t have a tv anymore & have never seen the show “Mad Men,” but I’ve seen photos of protagonist Don Draper, as portrayed by actor John Hamm. Amazingly, the fab foto, above, is, for me, resonant of Draper – if I understand correctly, a ’50s white guy soaked in booze & cigs with some broads & dames scurrying to his beck ‘n call (4 hour Boehners anyone?).

    In that vein, that possibly also symbolizes Boehner’s “antique” value, as, in his own bland way, Boner harks back to the days of yore & the now-vanishing breed of Country Club Republicans. I’ve known many such CCRs over the course of my life. They *used to be* mostly more subtle & discreet about their abject racism and tended to display a public face of a sort of noblesse oblige. It was pretty fake back in the day, but I guess in some ways I *miss* that rather thin veneer of ersatz civility. We certainly could use some of it these days.

    Sadly alas, all we get is Tan-Man Boner, but as you state: egadz, better ‘n nasty slithering parsel-tongued Cantor… by a long shot.

    What a wonderful world???

    • cocktailhag says:

      There is something almost charmingly retro about the Boner; nearly all other Republicans are much worse, and the smoking and drinking does humanize him a bit.

      • RUKidding says:

        I have to confess that over the course of Boehner being Speaker, I, too, have somehow “fallen” a tad for his “charms,” which mainly consist of Boner being rather bland, rather boring and, most importantly, not completely batshit crazed and outspokenly racist.

        Sad that the bar is set so low, but there you have it. A golf clap for Speaker Boehner. At this point, may he live long, and, uh cough cough, “prosper.”

  5. mikeinportc says:

    I was rooting for Louie Gohmert. Truth-in-advertising, and more entertainment value. ;)

    • cocktailhag says:

      Only if Virginia Foxx were unavailable.

      • mikeinportc says:

        Did think of her, but wasn’t sure if she got re-elected. She is the Dumbest-Member-of-Congress Award winner, but she’s such a lemon-sucker. :( Louie’s happy-go-lucky attitude to concern trolling might mitigate (a little) their fellow-travelers urge to punish us . ( They love Ammmurika , but they detest actual Ammmurikans ;) )

  6. Ché Pasa says:

    Rs must be pining to get Gingrich back — course they’d have to duct tape his mouth, but what the hey…