Cocktailhag, the blog

Back in 1999, I wrote this piece, making fun of myself, mostly, to send around to friends, based on some unfortunate experiences I’d been having just then.  Due to circumstances not entirely beyond my control, it ended up being published in our alternative weekly, Willamette Week, and it caused a bit of a stink when all the players recognized themselves.  Oh, well.  I got paid a hundred and forty bucks.

Remember, this was in the near aftermath of the Clinton impeachment, when Mistresses were all over the news, so WW found it to be timely, and I wrote a little introduction to make it so, which I’ve been unable to find.

Below is the piece that ran, under the Title, “Heel Management; Mistressing for Dummies,” with a neat cartoon graphic on the top corner of the front page that depicted a suited man crawling out from under a red high heel.

Introduction:
Probably the most important thing for any mistress to remember at all
times is that the man with whom she is consorting is, above all, a
Heel.  He is enjoying the comforts and benefits of marriage, but due
to failure to communicate, boredom, or other entirely selfish reasons,
he has chosen to sleep with you.  This is not the kind of thing a girl
in your position should let him forget, especially when you consider
the many and varied benefits available to you for carefully applying
societal pressures, sexual availability, veiled threats, and simple
charm to, essentially, play him like a violin.  A thoughtful,
well-planned approach to satisfying the heel while so much more richly
satisfying yourself, can have advantages of which many a dutiful wife
can only dream.  In our society, mistresses have historically been
denied their rightful status as the real force behind the hearts of
men, but this very anonymity is part of our special power to get what
we want without having to endure the inlaws, brats, housework, and
worse that being stuck with a full-time man invariably entails.
However, the clandestine nature of the heel/mistress relationship has
left us all to waste valuable time and effort making the same mistakes
as those before us, robbing us of the inherent power entailed in
having a man, in the truest sense, by the balls.

Selecting Your Heel:
Probably the most important factor in achieving success with your heel
is to be working with good raw material from the very outset.  None of
your feminine wiles will make a poor prospect into a viable one, and
therefore you must choose wisely.  Although this should seem obvious,
never choose a heel to whom you are unreasonably attracted.  Of course
he’s beautiful, of course he has a great dick and is mind-boggling in
bed.  What, exactly, are you thinking?  This sort of heel has,
frankly, too many options.  Further, such undoubtedly desirable
attributes can lead you to believe you actually love him, and for
Christ’s sake, sister, he’s a heel.  Don’t think even for a moment
that you want him for anything more than the comforts he can provide,
because that’s the most you’re going to get.  This fact is no longer
disputed in any scientifically reputable circles.
That said, there are some helpful and reliable guidelines for
selecting a heel that can, when properly applied, eliminate some of
the tiresome guesswork that usually accompanies selection of say, a
mate.  Selecting a heel should be more on par, emotionally and
spiritually, with selecting a pair of high heels.  And we all know how
to do that, or we wouldn’t be here in the first place.  First of all,
background is important.  While new money is arguably just as
deliciously spendable and lovely as the other kind, family ties are
crucial.  Remember that disfavor and disinheritance are interchangable
in the minds of many heels, and you should never leave the threat of
exposure and attendant scandals further away than the bottom of your
bejewelled evening bag.  Secondly, a sound religious background, while
perhaps rejected in later years, is necessary to establish the
foundation of guilt that can lead to lavish gifts for you.  Jews and
Catholics are highly recommended, but most mainline Protestants will
suffice.  Evangelists are a poor choice, because despite overwhelming
evidence to the contrary, they still think they are right.  Such
attitudes, needless to say, are entirely unacceptable.  The last thing
a girl needs is to be told that SHE is going to burn in Hell for some
heel’s sins.

The Wife
Even a heel that meets the above requirements may still be a poor
choice if he is saddled with a troublemaking wife.  As much as a
mistress may be tempted to tune out the heel when he discusses her, a
smart mistress knows better.  Clues that she may be psychotic are
particularly important.  Offhand comments  like,  ”she searched my
briefcase this morning while I was in the shower,” or “she spun
out my Mercedes on the freeway yesterday,” are your cues to send this
heel packing.  Furs and finery are cold comfort when you have a
Hell-bent harridan in your hallway.

Dating Protocol:
Obviously, when out with a heel, it is dismally inappropriate to spend
a dime of one’s own hard-earned money, and  not outside the realm of
decency to spend a great deal of his.  When asked if a place one
frequents is expensive, the correct response is, “Why, I suppose it
is.  I never thought of it.”  To see or even suspect the existence of
a BILL for something so paltry and fleeting as a dinner or a weekend
in Paris is to demean the very nature of being a mistress and a clear
signal the something has gone desperately awry.  And no matter how
extravagantly alluring a proposed date might sound, remember your
responsibility to reject at least one out of every three, because
availability is the very thing that his wife has over you and you
should never let him forget it.  Besides, if he has time to see you (
a rarity) and can’t, he will be left with free time while thinking of
you, which can only lead to shopping.  And his next visit will be so
much more satisfying.

Gifts:
Gifts are undoubtedly the most worthwhile aspect of having a heel in
the first place, and their frequent arrival and ever-increasing
opulence are what makes being a mistress worth the trouble.  Don’t be
shy about pointing out luxurious items you would love to have, and
never miss an opportunity to place the heel in convenient proximity to
them.  Suggest the parking place right next to that furrier or
jeweler, and make sure that he sees the stuff.   Also, it helps with
larger diamonds or more expensive fur coats if you try them on.  It
should be no great stretch at this point to show him how happy and
beautiful you could be if he pulls out that gold card.  And he will,
believe me.  Especially if you can link the purchase to some tangible
benefit for him, like rescinding a threat, conceding an argument, or,
for cheaper things, offering him a blowjob in the car on the way home.
You also should be on the lookout for the “throwaway” gift.  Many
heels, once they rightly realize that showing up empty-handed is not a
viable option, attempt to assuage your needs with an arguably
thoughtful but woefully inadequate “little something.”  This should
never be encouraged, and a well-timed “headache” or sudden
recollection of a forgotten engagement later in the evening should nip
this abhorrent practice in the bud.

A Sense of Proportion:
Always remember that, despite whatever fleeting delights a heel may
share with you, he still belongs to someone else.  You must never be
too attached to a heel, and to promote your own feelings of
independence, it helps to have other activities to occupy your time.
Magazines, cigarettes, bubble baths, and trash novels all help, but
this guy has a wife, and that’s different.  It is highly recommended
that a girl continue to look for a new and better heel whenever she
has a chance, and to maintain at least one other lover to prevent
boredom and mental abstraction in the heel’s frequent absences.