Breaking: Beau Breedlove Stakeout

—–A Cocktailhag Exclusive—-  Must credit Cocktailhag—  Developing—-

I just got a phone call, reporting that a friend of mine, a whisky-voiced midwesterner with a sharp wit and an ear for other people’s business, was just moments ago seated next to Mayor Sam Adams’ boy toy, Beau Breedlove, in, get this, a beauty shop.  She listened in, naturally, as women do.  Apparently the now 21-year old, who has refused all contact with the media, confided to his beauty operator that this story was just the tip of the iceberg, and Adams’ exploits range far and wide in city and state government circles, and many more names would soon be forthcoming.

UPDATE: My friend reports that Breedlove discussed numerous media requests from Oprah, etc., and it sounds like he has a good publicist, because, in her words, “He’s handling this better than our Mayor.”  She also reports that the 15-minute touch-up of his already-perfect hair made her think he was readying himself for the cameras, just in case.

56 Comments

  1. Dirigo says:

    Not much happens in Portland, Maine y’know. Snowed last night. No comparison really.

    AYY-yuuhh …

  2. cocktailhag says:

    Well, here at Cocktailhag News Network, we report the breaking news, as long as it happens in a bar or beauty shop. No volunteers for city hall.

    • Dirigo says:

      Well, if you play your cards right with this story and blast it all over the place, spew it even, you could create the Mother of all sex scandal stories for the new year.

      That wouldn’t be bad; but, don’t write for nothing.

  3. consuela says:

    wait, are we sure this is really his name? is beau puppylove any less believable? when they were con’cock’ting this story in the smokey (pre-end of year)back room of a local portland saloon could there have been a ‘crack’ team of ad men involved?
    all wise ass cracks aside; i’m reminded of this scene from easy rider.
    it seems to parallel the universe that portland revolves around right now. and if you don’t see the correlation then i’d advise all to carry on, by all means carry on.

    Dupea: I’d like a plain omelette, no potatoes, tomatoes instead, a cup of coffee, and wheat toast.
    Waitress: (She points to the menu) No substitutions.
    Dupea: What do you mean? You don’t have any tomatoes?
    Waitress: Only what’s on the menu. You can have a number two – a plain omelette. It comes with cottage fries and rolls.
    Dupea: Yeah, I know what it comes with. But it’s not what I want.
    Waitress: Well, I’ll come back when you make up your mind.
    Dupea: Wait a minute. I have made up my mind. I’d like a plain omelette, no potatoes on the plate, a cup of coffee, and a side order of wheat toast.
    Waitress: I’m sorry, we don’t have any side orders of toast…an English muffin or a coffee roll.
    Dupea: What do you mean you don’t make side orders of toast? You make sandwiches, don’t you?
    Waitress: Would you like to talk to the manager?
    Dupea: …You’ve got bread and a toaster of some kind?
    Waitress: I don’t make the rules.
    Dupea: OK, I’ll make it as easy for you as I can. I’d like an omelette, plain, and a chicken salad sandwich on wheat toast, no mayonnaise, no butter, no lettuce. And a cup of coffee.
    Waitress: A number two, chicken sal san, hold the butter, the lettuce and the mayonnaise. And a cup of coffee. Anything else?
    Dupea: Yeah. Now all you have to do is hold the chicken, bring me the toast, give me a check for the chicken salad sandwich, and you haven’t broken any rules.
    Waitress (spitefully): You want me to hold the chicken, huh?
    Dupea: I want you to hold it between your knees.
    Waitress (turning and telling him to look at the sign that says, “No Substitutions”) Do you see that sign, sir? Yes, you’ll all have to leave. I’m not taking any more of your smartness and sarcasm.
    Dupea: You see this sign? (He sweeps all the water glasses and menus off the table.)

    • Dirigo says:

      I love this kid’s name for this story. Beau Breedlove. Hilarious. You can’t make this stuff up.

      • cocktailhag says:

        Do you think that, when he was born, his parents thought, “He looks like a little porno star… What should we name him?”

        • Dirigo says:

          Said Dad, “Beau will breed love in the world one day.”

          Said Mom, “My bounteus, beauteous boy, Beau!”

          Said Oprah: “Were you ready when the moment came, Beau?”

          • cocktailhag says:

            Sheila also reported that Beau was the hottest thing since firecrackers, but appealingly unassuming in manner, and would encourage him to start a serious product rollout. We’ll see how it goes with Oprah.

    • Meremark says:

      Not ‘Easy Rider.’ ‘Five Easy Pieces,’ but Jack Nicholson, same same. Probably the only two movies out of ten that I’ve seen in the last 40 years, that you could misname, that I could spot.

  4. cocktailhag says:

    I just got off the phone with Sheila…. More dirt to come.

  5. rmp says:

    I don’t think I’m snarkin good enuff to participate in this discussion.

    • cocktailhag says:

      Well, you hit the NYT hard and with purpose today at UT, and I thought it was great. I know I’ve kind of gotten a little tabloidy with this story, but you know I’m usually more serious.

      • rmp says:

        Hey, I enjoy it. Don’t mind me, I’ll sit back and watch you and Dirigo and others do their thing. Absolutely no criticism intended on my part.

  6. Jim Montague says:

    This reminds me of the sexually bawdy comedies of the Restoration period where the characters all had unusual names; like Mrs Dainty Fidget, and her friend Mrs Squeamish; along with Mrs Margery Pinchwife, and Beau Breedlove. Perhaps there is room in Tony’s busy schedule for an old tyme Restoration comedy script.

    • cocktailhag says:

      Ah, the names. From O Henry to Dickens to Pynchon, the names tell stories. I have an idea… I was thinking of putting up a fake ad for Cocktailhag News Network, wherein the (fake, obviously) correspondent from each bureau, from Tokyo to London, would be shown, under different, culturally appropriate hair dryers, and featured prominently as my “team.” Anybody have ideas about where to crib such pictures?

    • Pedinska says:

      That was hiLArious!

  7. Jim Montague says:

    No, but I have an idea for the title of the play.
    How about, “Willy on the Willamette”?

  8. Dirigo says:

    HEY!

    What’s in a name? Well, depends on how you look at it, or how it sounds.

    The Times ran a piece on Friday, the headline of which was: “No Snickering: That Road Sign Means Something Else”.

    The story is datelined CRAPSTONE, England, and a Mr. Stewart Pearce is answering the phone.

    “I say, ‘It’s spelled “crap,” as in crap,” said Mr. Pearce, who has lived in Crapstone. a one-shop country village in Devon, for decades.

    The story goes on to suggest a myriad of contemporary public relations problems (maybe) for old time English place names and road signs, given the PC proclivities of the modern world, and ear.

    So, here are the highlights.

    “In the scale of embarrassing place names, Crapstone ranks pretty high. But Britain is full of them. Some are mostly amusing, like Ugley, Essex’ East Breast, in western Scotland; North Piddle, in Worcestershire; and Spanker Lane, in Derbyshire.”

    Other names of note:

    Crotch Crescent, in Oxford

    Titty Ho, in Northamptonshire

    Wet Wang, in East Yorkshire

    Slutshole Lane, in Norfolk

    Thong, in Kent (Know anyone there, Pedinska?)

    Also, there is:

    Pratts Bottom, in Kent

    Penistone, in South Yorkshire (“It’s pronounced ‘PENNIS-tun,’” Fiona Moran, manager of the Old Vicarage Hotel in Penistone, said over the telephone said, sharply.)

    And not to be outdone, there’s:

    Hoare Road

    Typple Avenue

    Corfe Close

    Butt Hole Road

    Try to make something of that.

    • rmp says:

      How about Climax and Fertile MN?

      • cocktailhag says:

        Well, since Boring, Oregon is in the greater Portland area, I’m accustomed to reading things like “she died in her Boring home” in the paper. No word as to whether it was on Butt Hole Road or not.

    • Pedinska says:

      Thong, in Kent (Know anyone there, Pedinska?)

      Unfortunately, no.

      ”It’s pronounced ‘PENNIS-tun,’” Fiona Moran, manager of the Old Vicarage Hotel in Penistone, said over the telephone said, sharply.

      Oh, sure it is!

  9. cocktailhag says:

    I was partial to Butt Hole road, myself. I saw that story and got a kick out of it, especially in the NYT, which is so blue-nosed and censorious usually.

  10. Dirigo says:

    And late word tonight from Denver is that defrocked evangelical preacher Ted Haggard is is hot water again!

    There are reports that an “overwhelming pool of evidence” indicates Haggard has had yet another affair with someone of the same sex. Reports also suggest the goings on have gone on “more than once.”

    Stay tuned to this channel for more, including the latest video, probably to be shown more than once as well.

    Back to the movie.

  11. rmp says:

    I just watched on Lifetime an excellent movie, Prayers for Bobbie starring Sigourney Weaver that is aimed at families with gay members and the bigotry and hatred that caused her son in the movie to kill himself. It is a straight forward script and movie based on the real Mary Griffith and the late, real Bobbie. I highly recommend it. It’s just starting again right now.

    • cocktailhag says:

      Sadly, I’m a hippie without TV or cable. Not out of snobbery; just too cheap and stumped about making TV screens work with my decor. That’s one of the horrors society perpetrates on gay kids; telling them there’s something wrong with them, which in the wrong family environment can drive them to suicide or other self-destructive behavior.

      • rmp says:

        That’s why watching the transformation of a real mother who was trapped in religious dogma and after her son threw himself off a highway overpass into the path of an 18 wheeler, slowly began to examine her son’s diaries. She went through the process of educator herself at a gay church and finally realized she and people who thought like her had caused the death of her own wonderful son. It should be a very good vehicle to help destroy the God hates gays bigotry and bible myths. The pastor at the gay church makes some excellent points on interpretation of the bible.

  12. cocktailhag says:

    I went to the site for the movie (there was a diary about it on dkos) and it sounded like a good story. I think a lot of the increasing acceptance of gay people in recent years has come from children coming out to their parents. If it almost worked on Dick Cheney, it works on everyone. In the end, parents respond viscerally to attacks on their children. Through the many and various anti-gay initiatives that have swept our state in my adult life, my most vivid memory is how personally insulted I always felt when yet another TV bigot was up there attacking…me. Listening to some self-righteous bigot spouting ignorant bile is one thing; being attacked personally, and feeling that your fellow citizens are being thus rallied against you, is quite another.

  13. bebop-o says:

    Cocktailhag. The GREAT big “problem” with Ya’, in my sincerest comment,
    but what does anyone actually knows, Cocktailhag, huh know for certain?
    No can read past Ya’ first sentence without `snorts-huff, puff-utterance?
    You say:`”whiskey-voiced”… ? … tourist tardiest? toad`ist, Ya awe-some.
    A mean:`Full of awe. awful? no. not tired? no a puppy terrier pooch.`Fun.

  14. bebop-o says:

    Please. Cocktailhag? You can just delete. Give the old boot?
    I was reading good congressman, Northwestwoods @ GG.
    NWW, @ 9:09 on July 24th, 2009, at 9:09 @ UT said this,
    Arugula!
    Nutty taste?
    I say:`Yippee!
    Green Arugula!
    (Try Arugula :) !
    O Cheers NWW!

    • cocktailhag says:

      I laughed at the arugula comment, too, but Friedman doesn’t look like he eats arugula, unless it’s gooey arugula pie with bacon on it.
      Glad you like my descriptions, Sheila’s husband-equivalent said it gave her away.

  15. Dirigo says:

    I don’t know if the “Palin Wardrobe Remains Stashed In Republican National Committee Plastic Bags” story is related to this thread or not; but, what the hell, it’s always fun to speculate about any peccadilloes I always say, however remote the connection.

    Certainly, Gov. Palin has staked out new terrain in sexual politics, though it’s not clear her “brand” will enjoy a long shelf-life. I mean, she came across all squeaky clean when she was rolled out, but with the clothes horse upgrade, she turned into a queen real quick. Often, in politics, tedium and yawning among voters follows confusion and ambiguity. Not all the time, but sometimes. First impressions and all that.

    What kind of queen I wonder? Did she, unknowingly, start gender-bendering once – as she got to like being all dolled up (who doesn’t?) – she got the wink down? Was she winking at Joe really, or what? And what was with the wink at Tina Fey when they crossed on the SNL set? Tina didn’t wink back! She batted her eyes at Charlie, and Katie too, didn’t she?

    What was this androgynous winking all about?

    Regardless, it’s the bags, not the ones under her eyes, but the ones sitting in the offices of the RNC, that I’m wondering about. Palin, appearing to have washed her hands of the matter of the expensive campaign wardrobe, and says she returned all the fancy stuff bought for her, but selected by her, in a New York high fashion shopping spree. Or two, or three (after all, there might have been a surreptitious appearance at a Lord & Taylor Midnight Madness sale we never heard of).

    David Frum, a GOP speechwriter and RW pundit, is complaining that the RNC keeps allowing the bags to sit there and not dispose of the clothes, to charity, as promised.

    Frum asks:

    “Will our party be embarrassed by what those bags contain?”

    Could it be the clothes would be a bit much for patrons rummaging through the racks at Goodwill?

    Inquiring minds want to know.

    • cocktailhag says:

      Too bad they didn’t just have Caribou Barbie put the stuff on e-bay herself; she’s supposedly so good at that. Oops, another myth. Looks like typical Republican waste to me; spend all the money you want, and it’s okay as long as no one benefits. The party of business, indeed. They could make a lot auctioning that stuff to the true believers, right down to the first Dude’s silk boxers…
      Televangelists everywhere would see a disconcerting temporary drop in revenue as the righties emptied their pockets for their own piece of Palin-world.
      Ah. well.

      • bebop-o says:

        Ah well. Your right about that comment, Ya’ Cocktailhag.
        I just received a phone call from Hollywood. So call:`!. ?
        She said:`Quickly! Call! Free tub of popcorn, and a DVD.
        The # One blockbuster is released! Limited Opportunity?
        Ah well. Cocktailhag. Buy:`The Dark Night, Today, hurry!
        O, a Free 2- liter:`Pepsi & a Tub of free-popcorn for Free!
        Call. Honest. I haven’t yet, but maybe? 1-888-285-5905

    • bebop-o says:

      Dirigo No eat any dorito’s @ http://www.Cocktailhag.com///.
      If Yo do decide to have chickpea hummus, No dip toes.
      After proposing another goofy notion, I thirty as tuna?
      huh.
      Does Shelia enjoy sushi?
      Sushi Loves Shelia?`Yes!
      Ya’ first say:`Shelia’ silly?
      Cocktailhag:`Shelia’s fun.
      i have a black Alpaca hat
      http://www.annapaca.com. Yes.
      Nice folk:`’Umbreed wool.
      Bert & Anna raise Alpaca’s.
      Buy hats @ Annapaca Farm?
      H worked @ The World Bank.
      My black Alpaca Hat Tips Ya.
      It still takes courage to wear.
      A straw hat is more my breed.
      Alpaca Hats are a fancy dapper.

  16. bebop-o says:

    Cocktailhag. My do You ever lure folk who are sure-darn-full of: Sufficient:`AWE!
    I come in, and then go-off to somewhere else… Yet … Ya dang, a lot of inept/kind!
    I mean:`Ya No mean, cruel, or ridicule folk who pew in a rural outhouse in a USA’s.
    Ya No dream of American hovels in suburban America with dog-guards picket gates.
    Ya seems to make me aware, there is Not enough sufficient AWE to see the Realities.
    Folks must feel distressed? Or, maybe let Leavenworth’s cons live in suburbia fences?
    If jailed “cons”… the so-called-crooks… are released from confinements, maybe Ya?
    And incarcerated humans, are set free… and DC’s sorta criminal ilk… are behind bar!:`
    All normal citizens will feel safer, and free! DC’s hoodlum gangsters need to shush-ups.
    The hoodlum gang of thugs will go to jails? Oh, begin a muggings each other? Believe that!<b

  17. bebop-o says:

    Breaking News? After several hard ‘trial’ and being deleted @ Open Salon, Friendly, ?.
    and elsewhere; I’ll rehearse fear and sadness? So, No Ever Be Too Shocked, o humph.
    and NO Be visibly revealed:`No Shock. Try to utter softly ‘happy birthday’ wish:`True.

  18. cocktailhag says:

    Is it your birthday, Bop? If so, I hope it’s happy. Open Salon may give you the boot, but the worst that could happen here is a maribou sling, a drink, or maybe a curler if I get really mad.

    • bebop-o says:

      Cocktailsling? No. No birthday today,
      and I just doodle on legal pads, thee
      rope hung down:`Hangman’s noose.
      Today’s laundry day, and challenges.
      Tomorrow I’ll be in DC and go belch.
      I’ll wear a sign that reads:`Kick Me!
      O say:`Cocktailhag say:`Ya Sleaze.
      Post-belch, I’ll kiss Sheila for you.
      I’ll no comment on Ya new:`Burp.
      good night. O Ya cocker spaniel.
      A bored farmer & no play soccer,
      and No take shower? No. Stinks.
      Methinks mestinks? Yes. Funky.

  19. consuela says:

    oh my, girls, girls, girls; i’m off with my feather duster, cleaning and scrubbing; a filthy ride on the gravy train i may add, and you’re all off on name calling, ‘a rose by any other name’, now only to find scrolling this blog just goes on forever.
    no matter, i want to hear more ideas of cocktailhag in tokyo, london, paris, lubbock. when i’m not out cleaning ashtrays and toadstolls i love a little photoshop. how else do you think forrest gump showed up in so many group shots of presidents and astronauts? bring it on, perhaps i can quit my ‘day’ job. ‘she works, you know.’

    quote for any day: ‘reminds me of my safari in africa. somebody forgot the corkscrew and for several days we had to live on nothing but food and water.’
    -w.c. fields

  20. bystander.again says:

    The Great Gay Hope

    Portland’s mayor makes the front page of the NYT.

  21. Oprah for president!! First woman president :)