God to Republicans: STFU
Republicans? It’s me, God, and I have a little message for you: Cut it out or you’re going to get a lightning bolt, (and I don’t mean that in a good way, Larry Craig, Ken Mehlman, et al…)
Being omniscient and all, I did manage to catch some of your dreadful display of Pharisee-like false piety over the weekend, although your ratings were pretty nonexistent up here, since Fox News only plays downstairs. But seriously, when will you, as a group, ever stop claiming me as your ally? It’s getting a little embarrassing, and bad for the God brand, since everything you say and do is pretty much the opposite of what the Bible tells you with what is, after all, my creation, not yours. Worse, rather than keeping your communications with me private as instructed, you are forever blustering in the streets, basically stealing my Good Name and attaching it to your ignorant, self-serving nonsense for your own ends, none of which I support, nor did my son, as you ought to know, since you incessantly claim to be our bestest friends.
It may come as a surprise to you, but, guess what? I don’t favor any group of humanity over the other; I created them all for a reason, and you don’t get to choose which ones I like. I didn’t put gays on earth just to fix your hair and help you decorate, nor did I put Muslims on earth just to drive cabs; my intention was for all my children to live happy lives, too. (I did hope that Africans might help white people learn to dance better, but the results there have been admittedly mixed. Give it another millennium or two….) Most importantly, I was pretty specific about the fact that rich people, for a lot of good reasons, aren’t generally allowed up here, and your constant, heretical exaltation of the rich frankly makes me want to throw up. Did you think that thing about “the least of my brothers” was a typo or something? What about the camel and the needle’s eye? Sheesh.
It seems that once you invoke my Will to support your demented political theories, which I’ve shown you several times don’t work, you plan to go on as usual pillaging my Creation, stealing from the poor to give to the rich, and busily slaughtering my children hither and yon; do you have any idea how fucked up that is? (Yeah, I can swear all I want… Who’s going to punish me?) As I mentioned earlier and cannot emphasize enough, the earth, and all the creatures on it, are MINE, not yours. Time and again, you have used me to do your dirty work, and now you’re trotting out some of the most regrettable of my creations, whose only desire seems to be shameless self-aggrandizement, and making me look like an ass as usual.
It’s possible that by teaming up with the worst of my followers, you will again gain power by, well, bearing false witness and taking my name in vain among other things, and then be empowered to take a big dump on the rest of my Commandments. This outcome means about what you’d expect, if you have ever bothered to read my words. We’ll be adding a few more rooms downstairs, in the hottest section.
Since I know that none of you actually believe a word you say, I can’t blame your cravenness on stupidity, of which I’m generally quite forgiving. This is much worse; I’m having the Terrible Swift Sword sharpened as we speak.
Was that really you, God?
If so can you answer a few questions, while we have you here on this blog?
Where is Tom?
Who killed JFK?
Was Obama really sodomized by Wall Street Execs?
I could go on but I am sure others may have important questions, too….
Not exactly following your book for now, but sincerely willing to jump in the last second,
Your Heel
1) I hope not the drunk tank or the emergency room, but I’m having some angels check up on this.
2) The usual redneck tool of the righty establishment.
3) Yeah, but their insurers wouldn’t let them do it raw.
Dear God,
I am sorry that I burried the wrong Saint upside down in Cocktailhag’s friends backyard to help sell their house….but I worked anyway! I promise to tell them of my error!!
It’s so nauseating, but Scott Horton at Harper’s links a piece by WaPo’s Kathleen Parker, who argues that Beck’s maudlin appearance in front of the Lincoln Memorial was nothing less than a gurgling, weepy 12 step ventorama.
Sick but probably true.
Makes perverse sense when you think about it (not too long though).
Being one familiar with 12-step catechism, as it were, it’s obvious that Beck has co-opted the buzz words of Alcoholics Anonymous as though he attended a few meetings just to steal the bumper stickers and Big Book (TM)…He reminds me a little of James Frey, the huckster (and abysmally bad writer) who sold Oprah and a million other morons with his “Million Little Pieces” fiction as autobiography. Frey and Beck are no more recovered addicts than I am a virgin.
Both have parlayed their false transformations into lucrative swindles; but you still have to blame the idiots who are patronizing them. A fool and his money, and all that.