Its All in the Marketing

Republicans have found themselves in an uncharacteristic moment of self-reflection these days, but unsurprisingly, none of this involves actually looking at themselves.  At their Charlotte retreat, they gazed into the mirror, declared themselves fairest of all, and went home to continue shaking down billionaires and jury-rigging elections in their favor.  You see, each unpopular policy, from immigration to taxes,  women’s rights to gun control, is nonetheless perfect, even foreordained by the Baby Jeebus, and must remain inviolate.  It’s America that must change to better accommodate the GOP, not the other way around.

I suppose there is a certain logic to this, but how would this approach go over with, say, a therapist?

DOC: Why do you think Hispanic voters reject you?

GOP:  Because they’re the real racists.

DOC: You don’t think anything in your behavior might be triggering their feelings?

GOP: Hell, no.  It’s not my fault they’re a bunch of gun running, anchor-baby dropping, drunk driving sub-humans who sneak in here to freeload off white people like myself, for fancy stuff like emergency room visits and crappy schools.  What part of “illegal” don’t you understand?

DOC:  Hmmm.  Let’s move along.   Why do women seem to reject you?

GOP: It’s not the nice women.  It’s those lazy sluts with their baby-killing and free birth control, always claiming to have been raped or something just to get out of producing an innocent life.  Oh, yeah, and those other uppity women who think they should be paid the same as men, when a woman’s place is in the home.  And don’t get me started on those hairy-legged types always yammering about global warming and fuzzy animals.  You know, that Ann Coulter is probably right; letting women vote was as big a mistake as letting darkies do it.

DOC: I see.  Speaking of, uh, African Americans, why is it that less than 2% of them vote for you?

GOP: Well, what do you expect from a bunch of shiftless, shuck-and-jive porch monkeys selling crack and shooting each other in between welfare checks?  They’re the real racists, except for Clarence Thomas.

DOC: Leaving that aside for the moment, some of your strident language about other minorities, especially gays and lesbians, seems to turn off younger voters.  Why do you think that is?

GOP: You know those snot-nosed brats have all been brainwashed by the communistic government schools into thinking it’s okay for Heather to Have Two Mommies, but Jesus says homos, especially Rosie O’Donnell, are worse than terrorists.  It’s in the Bible.  And besides that, those militant homofascists are all going to burn in hell for their disease-spreading, child-molesting, and skinny jeans-wearing ways.  Hopefully, before 2014.

DOC:  Very well.  What do you say to those who believe your policies are overly preferential to the wealthy?

GOP:  I’d tell ‘em to get off their commie ass and get a job, preferably in a right to work state.   If you tax the Job Creators, pretty soon they’ll stop hiring maids, gardeners, and lobbyists for their car elevators, and then where would that grabby 47% be?  Now, that Bobby Jindal has a good idea about this: you stop taxing rich, uh, successful people and corporations altogether, and let the freeloading spooks make it up by taxing Pampers and Old English 40-ouncers.  We have to stop punishing success, and start punishing failure.

DOC:  It’s hard to imagine funding a government entirely on the backs of those who can least afford it.

GOP:  I’m beginning to think you hate America, Doc.  If we just got rid of all those things government does that aren’t in Ron Paul’s copy of the Constitution, those handout-loving moochers wouldn’t have to pay so much.

DOC:  What things are those?

GOP: Like the Post Office, the EPA, the Fed, the schools, the FTC, the SEC, the Department of Education, the UN, foreign aid (except for Jesus’ chosen in Israel), the ATF, the FDA, you name it.

DOC:  Are there any parts of government you would preserve?

GOP:  I used to think the military and police, but then I found out that a lot of cops are union thugs who might take my guns, so now I think just the military.

DOC:  Better safe than sorry.  Is there anything you might be willing to do differently in the future, in hopes of a better outcome?

GOP: Nope.

DOC: Perhaps a change in tone?

GOP: If you want a bunch of sissy political correctness, vote Democrat.

DOC:  Well, our time is almost up.   Is there anything you’d like to talk about?

GOP:  There is one thing.

DOC:  What’s that?

GOP:  Why are liberals so hate-filled?

23 Comments

  1. Teddy says:

    The epitome of absurd GOP navel-gazing was Piyush Jindal advising his GOP peers that they must stop being the party of stupid. The hilarity, it ensued.

    • cocktailhag says:

      None of that pointy-headed “volcano monitoring” for Jindal. God seems a tad ungrateful for all that creationism stuff….
      If that’s the GOP’s “hope,” there’s hope for all of us.

      • Teddy says:

        Nor any hospice (sounds Commie) or domestic violence shelter (against the Biblical admonition that the man is the boss of the woman). And lower, or no, income taxes on the wealthiest. To be made up for by taxing, as you mention, bread and Pampers.

        I do not understand their aspirations to go to Heaven.

        • cocktailhag says:

          Well, for them, Heaven is Jack Abramoff’s restaurant, which turned out to be less than eternal, but good while it lasted.
          These types will take their rewards on earth, just to be on the safe side.

  2. mikeinportc says:

    :) ))) The shrink would need a vacation after that, or at least a stress-hammer. This afternoon, I heard a snippet of some “news” babbler talking in earnest about that. Lol! One more time, deciding how they’re going to talk about it differently, rather than doing something differently, or actually being ….uh… something different. It’ll work wonders this time , Charlie Brown. Just watch! ;)

    • cocktailhag says:

      I heard one say, “We don’t need to change our principles; our principles are timeless.” Uh, yeah, and that’s part of the problem, Bozo.

      • Teddy says:

        Well, there have always been Women-Haterz and Gay-Haters and Put-the-Olds-on-Icefloesers. None of their policies are new; they are just dressed up in Ayn Rand/Ronnie Reagan prettiness. Still they stink as foul as ever.

  3. Tina says:

    From the redneck land of white trucks, I was entirely and thoroughly entertained by your Q&A. I hope there’s more to come. T

    • cocktailhag says:

      (OK, folks; it’s a big day: Tina read my blog, and even commented. This is highly unusual.)
      Tina! Come to think of it it was an easy formula to which I’ll undoubtedly return. I think you’re defining redneck rather broadly;
      that place is hardly like Alabama, except here and there in the architecture and land use planning.

  4. nswfm says:

    Oops! I just shaved my legs!

  5. RUKidding says:

    I saw Piyush Jindal’s Koch-sucking “recommendation” to do away with all fed & state income taxes, and hey: let’s just raise sales taxes to the skies. That’ll fix teh poorz good ‘n proper. Larn them a lesson or two about who’s teh big boss of them!

    What a putz. Look I’ve been to India and love that country, as tricky as it is. But there is no doubt that most Indians still refexively believe in and act upon the idea of the Caste system, despite the best efforts of the Mahatma and his followers.

    Piyush may have been raised in these United States, but he clearly imbibed the Caste system at his parents’ knees and has not the slightest bit of a problem inflicting upon the sheeple here in these Yew Knighted States.

    Eff Piyush and the airplane he rode in on. Of course, he’s a “great fit” as far as the corporate fascists are concerned: a dumbfuck dweeby dolt with coffee colored skin who has not one whit of a problem down-trodding all of the other *minorities* and teh poorz for a big fat baksheesh from his paymasters. After all, it’s the Indian way (believe me)!

    • cocktailhag says:

      I noticed that phenomenon with some Intel engineers I knew; they seemed to compete with one another to have the biggest carbon footprint. The furthest-flung McMansion, the hugest SUV, etc. It was odd.
      My personal favorite Jindal move was his modest proposal †o toss the poors out of hospice care; real live Death Panels! Natch, he chickened out on that one.

  6. timothy3 says:

    This is my favorite:

    thinking it’s okay for Heather to Have Two Mommies, but Jesus says homos, especially Rosie O’Donnell, are worse than terrorists. It’s in the Bible.

    He forgot to mention Sodom & Gomorrah, those crazy twin sisters who were incestuous lesbians with a salt fetish.

  7. dirigo says:

    THIS IS A CHNN NEWS AND OPINION UPDATE FROM THE THOROUGHLY SUBVERSIVE EASTERN DESK:

    As one who has walked the walk, including sucking up rotor dust from many a Huey chopper back in the day (though perhaps not talking every little, prostrating talk since), I can assure you that Sen. Hagel – while a hero in every sense of the word and all that! – is a risky, risky choice for defense secretary. Very, VERY risky, my fellow Americans! Beware warriors with second thoughts!

    “Get thee glass eyes, and like a scurvy politician, seem to see the things thou dost not.”

    – Lear, to Gloucester, who has had his eyes gouged out by court intriguers
    – from … “King Lear”
    – Shakespeare

    • cocktailhag says:

      I noticed the tortuous ways Republicans try to make each “no” vote sound both principled and original, to no avail. Obama could have put John Bolton up there and they would have opposed him.

      • dirigo says:

        As dreary as it is to have the Vietnam syndrome wafting once more over an august senate hearing, it is refreshing to get a glimpse of some clarity in the eye of Hagel, who smiled and refused to answer McCain’s sandbag questioning on the “surge.”

        Laying aside the problems he may have with the Israel lobby and LGBT activists, Hagel may be the best choice available when it comes to holding back, a bit, the constant itch to use this military over and over again (while never, NEVER, asking the people as a whole to DO anything), while taking a serious look at cuts in the budget.

        Seems to me Hagel has “evolved” in a lot of ways, and in more ways than may have been apparent before the rude drubbing by the hacks on this committee.

        Don’t mean nuthin’, Chuck!

        • dirigo says:

          Another, even better syndrome now hangs in the air, including over the committee “examining” Mr. Hagel’s “fitness” to serve again.

          Anything on this, Sen. McCain? Sen. Graham? Sen. Ayotte? Sen. Inhofe? How ’bout you, Sen. Cruz-missile?

          http://www.guardian.co.uk/world/2013/feb/01/us-military-suicide-epidemic-veteran

        • RUKidding says:

          I have very mixed “feelings” about Hagel, but the drubbing he had to endure from the likes of Miss Graham & Walnuts McCrankyPants was pathetic.

          For me, it was big clusterfuck Kabuki Show resulting in nothing much truly being revealed, except for how MY tax dollars are wasted on these ever more useless “games” punked on us by the Village Idiots.

          McCain had some good moments back in the day, but sadly that day was a loooooong time ago. Like his former Veep candidate, McCain is waaaay past his sell-by date, and it won’t be soon enough for me to have leave the stage. My regret is that this superanuated bore can’t get enough of the limelight.

          The only minorly “good” thing about this senseless exercise in abject futility is that – thank the Lowered!!! Praise BE to Jeebus!!!!! – ever more horrid Joe the Liebertoad has finally shuffled off the stage, and we weren’t *subjected* to his ugly cranky mug whining & complaining, as surely would’ve been the case. Thank goodness for small favors.

          Hagel, I believe, will just do what he’s told, which means that fanatacist Zionist Israel will be calling the shots, and so: what else is new???

          Kabuki Show plain & simple. A lotta senseless “Republican” whining ginned up to distract the rubes from how horribly these jerk-offs are ripping us all off.

          PTOUI!!!!!!!

        • cocktailhag says:

          I hate to admit I found myself rooting for Hagel, seeing how he is a Republican and all. My only regret is that he didn’t fight back nearly hard enough; I’d have told McCain that no, the “surge” was not a success, and yes, he should stick it up his ass.