Its All in the Marketing
Republicans have found themselves in an uncharacteristic moment of self-reflection these days, but unsurprisingly, none of this involves actually looking at themselves. At their Charlotte retreat, they gazed into the mirror, declared themselves fairest of all, and went home to continue shaking down billionaires and jury-rigging elections in their favor. You see, each unpopular policy, from immigration to taxes, women’s rights to gun control, is nonetheless perfect, even foreordained by the Baby Jeebus, and must remain inviolate. It’s America that must change to better accommodate the GOP, not the other way around.
I suppose there is a certain logic to this, but how would this approach go over with, say, a therapist?
DOC: Why do you think Hispanic voters reject you?
GOP: Because they’re the real racists.
DOC: You don’t think anything in your behavior might be triggering their feelings?
GOP: Hell, no. It’s not my fault they’re a bunch of gun running, anchor-baby dropping, drunk driving sub-humans who sneak in here to freeload off white people like myself, for fancy stuff like emergency room visits and crappy schools. What part of “illegal” don’t you understand?
DOC: Hmmm. Let’s move along. Why do women seem to reject you?
GOP: It’s not the nice women. It’s those lazy sluts with their baby-killing and free birth control, always claiming to have been raped or something just to get out of producing an innocent life. Oh, yeah, and those other uppity women who think they should be paid the same as men, when a woman’s place is in the home. And don’t get me started on those hairy-legged types always yammering about global warming and fuzzy animals. You know, that Ann Coulter is probably right; letting women vote was as big a mistake as letting darkies do it.
DOC: I see. Speaking of, uh, African Americans, why is it that less than 2% of them vote for you?
GOP: Well, what do you expect from a bunch of shiftless, shuck-and-jive porch monkeys selling crack and shooting each other in between welfare checks? They’re the real racists, except for Clarence Thomas.
DOC: Leaving that aside for the moment, some of your strident language about other minorities, especially gays and lesbians, seems to turn off younger voters. Why do you think that is?
GOP: You know those snot-nosed brats have all been brainwashed by the communistic government schools into thinking it’s okay for Heather to Have Two Mommies, but Jesus says homos, especially Rosie O’Donnell, are worse than terrorists. It’s in the Bible. And besides that, those militant homofascists are all going to burn in hell for their disease-spreading, child-molesting, and skinny jeans-wearing ways. Hopefully, before 2014.
DOC: Very well. What do you say to those who believe your policies are overly preferential to the wealthy?
GOP: I’d tell ‘em to get off their commie ass and get a job, preferably in a right to work state. If you tax the Job Creators, pretty soon they’ll stop hiring maids, gardeners, and lobbyists for their car elevators, and then where would that grabby 47% be? Now, that Bobby Jindal has a good idea about this: you stop taxing rich, uh, successful people and corporations altogether, and let the freeloading spooks make it up by taxing Pampers and Old English 40-ouncers. We have to stop punishing success, and start punishing failure.
DOC: It’s hard to imagine funding a government entirely on the backs of those who can least afford it.
GOP: I’m beginning to think you hate America, Doc. If we just got rid of all those things government does that aren’t in Ron Paul’s copy of the Constitution, those handout-loving moochers wouldn’t have to pay so much.
DOC: What things are those?
GOP: Like the Post Office, the EPA, the Fed, the schools, the FTC, the SEC, the Department of Education, the UN, foreign aid (except for Jesus’ chosen in Israel), the ATF, the FDA, you name it.
DOC: Are there any parts of government you would preserve?
GOP: I used to think the military and police, but then I found out that a lot of cops are union thugs who might take my guns, so now I think just the military.
DOC: Better safe than sorry. Is there anything you might be willing to do differently in the future, in hopes of a better outcome?
DOC: Perhaps a change in tone?
GOP: If you want a bunch of sissy political correctness, vote Democrat.
DOC: Well, our time is almost up. Is there anything you’d like to talk about?
GOP: There is one thing.
DOC: What’s that?
GOP: Why are liberals so hate-filled?