Thanks, Captain Obvious*

*Admittedly, David Petraeus is a General, but Captain sounded better…  CH

Today General David Petraeus had another statement, among the many he has made in his current 9/12 Media Blitz, that was about as enlightening as, say, coming out and declaring water to be wet, but the media nonetheless slavishly typed it up as though it were Holy Writ, or at least news.  It seems that General 0 for 2 thinks that a right-wing church in Florida burning the Koran, loudly and publicly, on Sept. 11, might be the sort of thing that could, well, possibly, anyway, “endanger our troops.”  Ya think?  That would, for the low-information reader, be the same troops that have been pointlessly annihilating Muslims willy-nilly for long about ten years, and thus are parked, targets on backs, all over the world where we don’t belong and will NEVER be accepted.  One wonders what led to this sorely belated epiphany.

You see, Petraeus never said such commie, Blame-America-First types of things when we decided to go into Iraq.  He certainly never uttered a discouraging word as we tortured, killed, and destroyed the homes and lives of millions of Muslims, nor did he feign umbrage as the country was consumed with anti-mosque hysteria for the last several months.  Bombings, torture, indefinite detentions, demonization, and outright calls for genocide fell like rain on his balding head for years, but during all that ol’ Dave had faith that Muslims, like ill-behaved dogs, just needed another whupping and they’d shape up.  White Man’s Burden, and all that.  But burning books?  That’s a bridge too far.  Maybe he was a librarian in a past life; the sort who doesn’t read anything but is nonetheless fanatical about keeping everybody quiet.

I guess, since according to the right, this adenoidal failure is now the Greatest General in the History of Mankind, people are supposed to listen to his unexpected deathbed conversion into a sort of global Miss Manners, and heed his meek entreaty to ixnay on the ook-burningbay… but who?  Certainly not the psychopath Terry Jones, leader of Dove (!) World Outreach, who’s firing up the pyre as we speak.  Definitely not anyone who watches Glenn Beck or anyone else on Fox, all of whom daily call for the killing of more Muslims, the more violently the better.  Not Republican politicians, who’ve joined with some of the more pathetic Democrats in solemnly declaring that American, non-terrorist Muslims must henceforth be more “sensitive” by meekly abandoning any visible displays of their “monkey god” faith.  Political animal that he is, he senses that both of his two fake “achievements” of his entire career sucking one of the 310 million government tits, that is, Iraq and Afghanistan, are rapidly going up in flames, and he’s thus finally gotten a little afraid of fire.  Couldn’t they just shred that kind of stuff?  It worked great for Ollie North.

But decency and respect aren’t what Petraeus is after, of course.  The vile little weasel is trying to do what all neocons do when their pipe dreams turn into nightmares; blame someone else, a neccesary endeavor that can never be embarked upon too early.  Like the hippies that supposedly caused us to “lose” in Vietnam, a preposterous falsehood that has blossomed gorgeously over the years in the right-wing hothouse, the Koran-burners can be trotted out twenty years from now (when we’re a despised and impoverished protectorate of Red China), and Petraeus can tell his grandchildren that his incompetence and insubordination had nothing to do with his (and our) many defeats.  Heck, he might even be lucky enough to follow his other failed neofascists into a lucrative radio career, as long as nobody watches anything but Fox.  Can’t knock him for trying.

His thin excuse that such genocidal impulses are only damaging inasmuch as they might “endanger our troops” abroad was as dangerous as it was revealing; to the neocon mind, the world has to be made safe for occupiers all over the world, a somewhat taller order than merely making the world safe for beleaguered Americans here at home, of which this whole demented “war on Terror” enterprise was supposed to have been predicated.  Even Petraeus, dumb and immoral as he is, realizes that the utterly undeserved lionization that military “leaders” such as he have enjoyed for so long might be placed in jeopardy if we had to start killing all Muslims, everywhere, as Dove World plainly advocates.  He’d be like Lucy and Ethel at the candy factory, even more than he already is.  Too bad he didn’t speak up sooner; he might have slowed down the terrorist assembly line, just enough to save his false legacy.  Good Luck with that, Captain Obvious; you just kissed your “base” goodbye, and accomplished exactly nothing.  Too bad, for you, that Dove World isn’t Moveon, and they will never shut up.  You’ve made the bed.  Lie in it.

17 Comments

  1. dirigo says:

    Here’s a Flash Fashion Bulletin from CHNN’s Noo Yawk desk:

    Tonight, perhaps for the first time, Dick Armey, the, shall we say, godfather of the tea partiers, appeared with Michele Bachman and Jim Deeeee Mint on the Fox Judge Napolitano Show.

    Armey wore dark grays, AND, sported jet black hair. That’s right JET BLACK all over his follicles!

    He now looks like one of Tony Soprano’s enforcers.

    What a makeover.

    CHNN fashion analysts are trying to determine the connection, if any, between Armey’s new “look” and arguments for the purest interpretation of the intent of the Constitution, in all matters – past, present, and future.

    Calls to Armey’s office went unanswered at air time.

    • cocktailhag says:

      Holy Grecian Formula, Batman! That’s as remarkable as it is audacious. I thought you were supposed to use that stuff gradually.

      • dirigo says:

        Incredible, isn’t it?

        It’s the subtlety-challenged, no muss no fuss, one-stop, mason’s trowel slather technique.

        It’s … uhh, kind of Brechtian.

        • Annice says:

          Dirigo,
          Next time I am changing my hair color I will consult with
          you and CHNN’s fashion team in the future!

        • Annice says:

          Dirigo,
          Thanks for adding that…but since I am at work right now,
          yes I work, but not hard every day! laughs…I was blocked
          from viewing the post. Hopefully when I get home I can view
          the link…
          which will be awhile and since it started raining will take
          me longer because people in Portland don’t know how to
          drive in the rain! Did you end up finding a good movie to
          watch last night?

          • dirigo says:

            “Fracture” with Anthony Hopkins.

            Sounds like my mood sometimes when I watch stuff like Dick the Blackhead.

          • Annice says:

            Love Anthony Hopkins, but have not seen him in
            “Fracture”
            Great title for your mood indeed!

  2. Sweed says:

    hey… this grammar is awful for my cat lol

  3. What pets blog sweed is really funny.