Cocktailhag, the blog

I think I just figured out why Rick Santorum is so obsessed with nudity in other, more attractive people; whenever he tries it, he invariably looks like chopped liver.  Actually, chopped liver is way too kind; he more closely resembles a half-melted pate’ sculpture of Jabba the Hut.   Given his undoubtedly teeny and uncooperative penis, to boot, the very glimpse of a good porn movie must make his testicles retract up to his armpits and send him crying to bed, alone.   Hey, if it were me I might think a ban on porn was an okay idea, too, at least for everyone else.

But Santorum being Santorum, he couches his purse-lipped prudery in fears for “the children” rather than his own thwarted (deservedly, I’d say…) sexuality and schoolmarmish authoritarianism.  If anyone embodied the notion that puritanism is based on the fear of others having a good time, it would be lil’ Ricky.  That’s why I think it’s so delicious that the frothy mixture was caught lounging by a pool, “catching rays,” like some porno star might, except, uh, you know.

Here’s lil’ Ricky (from Huffington Post):

“They caught me sunbathing when I was in Puerto Rico,” Santorum said. “We took about an hour to sit out by the pool and catch a few rays, and so I guess a paparazzi got me, and I know, I probably should lose about 15, 20 pounds, but I’m working on it.”

Cochran told Santorum that a “civilian” had actually taken the photo, and asked if Santorum had given anyone permission to do so. Santorum said he had not.

The candidate continued, “I apologize to all of us, because I’m sure it’s not a pretty sight.”

You can say that again.  Personally, I’m worried about the children, too.  Notice that any present had already fled the area, probably with their parents covering their eyes as they hustled them off.  The good news for Rick is that he probably set any bi-curious boys back on the righteous path, but the bad news is they would have been greatly outnumbered by all the newly-minted lesbians.

And as you can imagine, he also lost Puerto Rico quite handily, and not just because of his looks, but because he also found time to make a racist ass out of himself, too. I’m thinking he’ll get plenty of time to “catch rays” pretty soon; he should start dieting now. For the children.