Conserving resources with the no-balls right
UPDATE: The waterboarding segment was featured, as I’d hoped, on Countdown tonight. (link in comments) Not that I think this occurrence was directly attributable to the Hag…
For weeks now, Keith Olbermann has been beating the drum to have Sean Hannity waterboarded, to a degree that almost seemed undignified, that is until today. You see, Hannity isn’t quite as stupid as the boy he plays on TV, and everyone from his long-suffering wife to his hairdresser has agreed that cheering for torture and actually undergoing it are, by design, not intended for the same people. Besides, as his accountant no doubt added, further stunts to achieve fame are no longer necessary. Sean himself probably realized that when he whacked his worn-out little weinie to old Catholic School color plates of the Inquisition in the way normal boys might have to, say, National Geographic, he never saw himself on the receiving end, so he took his lumps and waited for the whole thing to blow over.
Unfortunately for the Chickenhawk set, there are about a million Hannity wanna-be’s across the land who’ve yet to step into Hannity’s Weiner’s Circle, and danged if they’re going to let a bunch of ACLU Homos make mouse-meat of their manliness. Hilarity ensues, natch.
A doughy, talent-free douchebag who calls himself “Mancow” decided, no doubt after days of bluster and tough talk, to have the procedure as it were, done to him, cameras rolling, with an eye on the next Arbitrons. Ratings gold…. One bold gesture to save his hero Hannity, make a fool of Olbermann, and show those liberal pussies once and for all that waterboarding was no worse than Splash Mountain. How could he go wrong? First of all, he went into a friendly, well-lighted room adorned with signs promoting his show, and his “torturer” cracked jokes while explaining the process. ”Most folks last 14 seconds or so”, the bouncer-like yet clearly star-struck good old boy chuckled. Compromises already abound; the mouth was left uncovered to allow the Voice to speak, he was given a little plastic cow (you can’t make this stuff up) to throw as his “not safe” signal, and medical personnel (privately funded I have no doubt) to make sure the boo-boo didn’t hurt too much.
Unfortunately for the radio station, which had blocked several minutes for Mancow’s ordeal, he was crying and flailing the instant the water hit his mouth, leaping up and shuddering. I could have thrown a drink across the room and gotten him wetter, and as I said, he had the option of sitting up, not being restrained except for his feet. In other words, the Mancow of the Mancave lasted through a training wheels, girlie bout of waterboarding way less than the average, say, cab driver, and by factors less than the Terrorists.
The only happy ending to such a pathetic and predictable piece of trash media event like this was that he immediately allowed, in the painfully lengthy seconds that remained in the segment, that what he had just well, sort of, undergone was torture. Further, he had a deeper revelation.
That torture is inhuman and he’s sorry about advocating for it relentlessly for years? Nah. This is a righty, after all. He was thinking only of himself when he said that had he known what it was like, “he definitely would not have done it.” That was five seconds he’ll never get back; I’m glad he learned something.
Maybe after 182 more times he’ll be as smart as Sean Hannity….
Keith…. the clip is at DailyKos; please run it. Hannity will have to be both diapered and catheterized.
I had read a report elsewhere on this right-wing asshat and him lasting only a few seconds before crying uncle. Your account is much more colorful though.
I am always amazed at how many, many people are trilled to read of the government doing things to “bad” people and then whining when it happens to them. I know of a fellow who recently died who was always watching or listening to reports of blacks being arrested and so forth. He really enjoyed seeing those ‘vile criminals’ get their just rewards. But, anytime he was even stopped for a traffic violation it was a crime against humanity. These sorts of people make one hope that karma is not just a theory.
Great post, by the way.
That lack of empathy thing can turn out to be a real handicap when you’re deciding which publicity stunts to do. All the ridicule he receives, even from children, strangers, and servants well into the future will be a certain satisfaction for me.
And I can’t wait to watch “Countdown.”
Until they do Cheney, my soul will find no rest.
I’ll be scanning the sky for pigs on the wing…. First, he’s too much a proven coward to volunteer. Second, if we ever got so all-fired rule-of-law-ish that he were to stand trial, no such torments would be allowed. Pity. I’ll take Hannity.
It’s honey and locusts for me, then, I guess. Judging by the temper of the blogosphere, though, at least I’ll have some company.
If Arthur Miller were still around, I’d bet he could do a great Trial of Dick Cheney. You know, the play’s the thing wherein… and all that. Where are the arts when we need them?
Out to lunch …
Actually, I was thinking of “A Clockwork Orange” earlier, but was having trouble figuring out who would be the target and who the audience.
I think you may have just clarified that for me.
Christopher Durang apparently did a good piece about post-911 America just recently… I don’t recall the title.
I agree WT, but in addition to the water, I sure would like to see some electricity, or he could get very high on pills or shots or even let him hang forever. It’s not like me to be that mean, but The Dick needs some real justice.
“Mancow is soaked! Mancow is soaked!
(pause) an aside … (Oh, God!)
How’re ya doin’, buddy?”
So many little sexist remarks… unfortunately, I guess I can understand why. After all, he calls himself Mancow. Good grief!
Still, I don’t know why more writers don’t use “brass ovaries” as a particular metaphor for bravery. Certainly on this blog, it would not be amiss. [It is worth remembering how many whistle-blowers during the past decade have actually had ovaries. Think back as far as Enron and work forward.]
I also come here for the sylistic fluorishes. Keep ‘em coming.
I think we’ve reached the Rubicon.
Mancow and Jesse Ventura have, this week, saved the nation; Ventura with malice aforethought, and Mancow thoroughly inadvertently (his loud mouth was drowned).
KO has withdrawn his charity offer to Hannity and has awarded $10K for Mancow’s torture truth episode to the vet organization that did the torture to Mancow.
We have to take our heroes wherever we find them…..
It’s Mancow’s Mancave to you MS. Murphy. Real men watch, they don’t do. Poor Erich’s shriveled ‘nads have probably retreated to the vicinity of his navel, refusing to re-emerge until the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue comes out.
Thanks! I’ll take my satisfaction where I can get it.
Oh, good grief! I must have fluoride on the brain…
I got a snicker out of it…..
Moi aussi.
McClatchy did a nice job of exposing all the Cheney lies in his speech at AEI:
Cheney’s speech contained omissions, misstatements
http://news.yahoo.com/s/mcclatchy/20090521/pl_mcclatchy/3237981/print
If The Dick is so afraid, what are Obama and Dem congress critters so afraid of? Cowards fearing cowards.
Fear of prosecution caused Cheney to speak out, daughter says
http://rawstory.com/08/news/2009/05/22/cheney-prosecution-fear/
Oooh…. When they start playing the sympathy card, all Hell could break loose.
He used to be a morning DJ here in Kansas City before moving on to the bigtime in Chicago. He’s the same sort of obsequious little toad as most morning DJs.
It says a lot about the stupidity of his listeners that 12% still thought they were tough enough to withstand waterboarding even after watching the video of him wussing out.
For whatever reason, his “perspective” was deemed so universal that he was carried here in Portland, too, on a talk station that also ran two hours of Stephanie Miller; I leapt for the dial as soon as she was over. Interestingly, in 2006 the station bounced Stephanie Miller in favor of, wait for it, Dennis Miller. These people must be clairvoyant, I tell ya. She’s back on, needless to say, so Tuesday I may leave the radio there for a bit longer to hear Mancow (!) rewrite the tale, which he’s had enough time to do.
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