I don’t know how many Hag readers have access to “Savage Love,” Seattle Stranger editor Dan Savage’s excellent nationally syndicated sex advice column, but he has a favorite acronym he uses with writers in hopelessly doomed relationships: DTMFA, which, if you haven’t guessed, stands for Dump The Mother Fucker Already.  He only says it when he means it; the partner in question is so selfish, perverted, or malevolent that the only possible solution is to, well, hit the road, Jack.  Although no butt plugs, gender confusion, poop, or cuckoldry is involved, which makes my advice kind of boring compared to Savage’s, there’s one dysfunctional relationship that I can no longer leave alone.  With apologies to Dan, here’s the evidence for a big, fat DTMFA:

Dear Dan,

I’ve been in this BDSM relationship for a long time; it started out where I was the dom, since I’m the bigger and bossier one, but over time my squeeze has jumped into the driver’s seat and hit the gas. At first it was kind of hot; I got to get my kinks for rough play without everybody finding out about it, and he got to whip whoever he wanted, which usually were the same people I wanted to whip anyway.  Trouble is, over time he started going to the clubs without me and putting the bills on my VISA anyway, and worse, he got me into situations where I repeatedly got whipped back for his shit, when I wasn’t even there to enjoy it in the first place.  Now, I’m deep in hock and and 86′ed from all of our favorite haunts, and he’s still in the clubs a’whuppin,’ while I’m not getting so much as a reach-around.  Finally, I said something… not anything too bad, mind you, but just a little reminder of who’s paying the bills and dealing with all the fallout of his fun, and he totally went ballistic, and sent all his “friends” out to trash me.  What should I do?  If I dump him, I might get some of my old friends back, but the backlash from his buddies that always hated me anyway will rip me a new one, perhaps literally.  Your advice would be appreciated, because now if I want to keep the peace I’m going to have to let him do some stuff that even I’m uncomfortable with.

Offered Bitch All My Ass and Couldn’t Orgasm

Dear OBAMA and CO:


Unfortunately, international relations are, forgive the pun, stickier than sex columns and the “relations” of Obama and co. vis a vis Israel are necessarily more complicated.  I understand that having Israel around makes kicking Habib ass look, to some people, almost virtuous, and without them, Iran/Contra, the Iraq war(s), and 9/11 might never have happened, but would we really call any of those things good?  In short, the US/Israel “special relationship,” endlessly touted by the political right, Sarah Palin, and the Senator from Tel Aviv Joe Lieberman, is a lose/lose for both parties involved, but they just can’t quit each other, because they have their darkest traits in common: militarism, land stolen from indigenous people, and a bizarre desire to control everything in their path by force, since they are, in their own minds, the bestest ever.  Both use slaughter and human rights abuses against their chosen victims for political gain at home, and neither would be so successful at such a worthy endeavor without the other.  I don’t claim to have the influence that Savage Love has, but if this little missive from one of the Jewish lobby’s evidently less diplomatic spokesmen doesn’t persuade the Obama Administration to DTMFA, I honestly don’t know what will. (h/t HuffPo)

When it comes to tyrants who have dismantled their nation’s democracies and thrown their political opponents in jail, like Hugo Chavez, President Obama hugs them with both arms. And if you’re a Middle East dictator, like King Abdullah of Saudi Arabia, who brutally oppresses women and won’t even let them drive a car, for goodness sake, the President of the United States will bow down to you (you get the same treatment if you’re the Emperor of Japan). But if you’re the democratically elected Prime Minister of the Middle East’s only fully functioning democracy, and America’s most reliable ally, the President will sic his Secretary of State on you if you don’t follow everything he demands. Who does President Obama think the Israeli Prime Minister is? His poodle? (Would that he were; poodles, at least, can be put to sleep).

This is scandalous behavior, and over a non-incident. (1600 housing units?  That sort of thing probably won’t happen again in these parts as long as I live, and even in boom times would have been, well, newsy.)

Jews should be allowed to live anywhere in Jerusalem, as should Arabs. And had the Israeli government announced that it was preventing Arabs from living in any part of the Holy City that they choose, I would have written an equally scathing column criticizing that xenophobic decision. (That’s so flat out delusional that I’m literally and uncharacteristically at a loss for words. Did Karl Rove write it?)

During Obama’s Presidential campaign, I was asked to serve as a national co-chair of Rabbis for Obama. I turned it down. First of all, I was amazed that the candidate wasn’t going to be on any calls with the Rabbis who signed up, with the campaign saying he was too busy. Ah, so you want to just use the Rabbis and not show them basic courtesy and respect? Second and more importantly, I had a strong inkling that President Obama would treat Israel this way. Bullying them, pushing them, pressuring them, into peace deals that compromised their security. (Never trust a clairvoyant; especially one who happens to be an asshole.)

And make no mistake about it. Splitting Jerusalem, as it had been split up until its unification during the Six-Day War, is the single gravest risk to Israel’s security. Just imagine a Palestinian capitol, with Palestinian forces only miles away from Israel’s Knesset and government buildings. The Palestinian Authority has very little control over its own security forces and especially its people, with huge numbers supporting Hamas over the PA. Would Israel really sign a suicide pact to put all the organs of its government within easy striking range of Palestinian rockets? Haven’t we seen this happen already with Sderot and Gaza? Can anyone even imagine the consequences if Sderot became Jerusalem? (More ridiculous pants-wetting, to feebly justify an international crime.  The entire world condemns the 1967 land grab this bloodthirsty nebbish calls “unification.”)

But all this is beside the point. Israel is not one of America’s 50 states. (Tell Joe Lieberman that; he and Connecticut would be duly surprised.)  It’s a sovereign nation. For President Obama and Secretary Clinton to treat Israel with such disdain, and handle its elected officials as if they are naughty school children, is disgusting. I would like to see a single other example of an international leader subjected to the kind of public berating that has taken place between Hilary and Bibi over the past few days. It’s beneath the office of the President and the Secretary of State.( You tell ‘em.)

And please don’t give me the tired arguments about how much America does for Israel. America gives Egypt billions in aid each year. Yet, Obama showed Hosni Mubarak extensive courtesy when he visited Cairo, even though Mubarak is a dictator who has for decades rejected America’s call for democratic reforms.

I could print this execrable and lengthy screed by Rabbi (!) Schmuley Boteach in its entirety, but will refrain from doing so because the DTMFA buzzer went off before the first paragraph was over.  Your country and mine thank you, Rabbi Boteach, for finally giving us something even the hag, and if he were here, Dan Savage, couldn’t overlook.  Time to hit Craigslist, Israel, you’ll have to get your kinks elsewhere.

UPDATE: The right’s former darling, Gen. David Petraeus, has really stepped in something lately, first with his dismissal of the arguments against DADT, but worse, with the Israel lobby, when he had the temerity to call the sky blue; i.e., that Israel’s apartheid policies aren’t so great for American security.  To wit:

The assumptions Gen. Petraeus presented to the Senate Armed Services Committee wrongly attribute “insufficient progress” in the Israeli-Palestinian peace process and “a perception of U.S. favoritism for Israel” as significantly impeding the U.S. military mission in Iraq, Afghanistan and Pakistan and in dealing with the Iranian influences in the region. It is that much more of a concern to hear this coming from such a great American patriot and hero.

The General’s assertions lead to the illusory conclusion that if only there was a resolution of the Israeli-Palestinian conflict, the U.S. could successfully complete its mission in the region.

Gen. Petraeus has simply erred in linking the challenges faced by the U.S. and coalition forces in the region to a solution of the Israeli-Arab conflict, and blaming extremist activities on the absence of peace and the perceived U.S. favoritism for Israel. This linkage is dangerous and counterproductive.

Whenever the Israeli-Arab conflict is made a focal point, Israel comes to be seen as the problem. If only Israel would stop settlements, if only Israel would talk with Hamas, if only Israel would make concessions on refugees, if only it would share Jerusalem, everything in the region would then fall into line.



  1. Kink you wanted, kink you got. I can’t wait to watch Tom blow himself up like a pufferfish and try to match this.

    • cocktailhag says:

      Oh, I imagine he’ll find a way…. Something about me being an idle pre-vert who reads sex columns all day while I wait for the welfare check.

  2. The Heel says:

    I once had the pleasure to meet a beautiful Israeli officer at some friends house. She was witty, sassy, educated and had a great sense of humor. We talked about many things and had a blast (plus the sexual tension was very intriguing). It was all fun until somebody dared to criticize Israels settlement policies. She went ballistic. It was amazing to see how efficient political indoctrination can be administered. Later, her and I had to share the guest bed room and sure enough I got raped that night (I guess the headline could have read “Aryan boy raped by Jewish Officer) – thought I share, since you seem to finally address hedonistic joys mixed into politics :)

    • cocktailhag says:

      You? Raped? How is such a thing possible, much less necessary? Under that definition, I suppose that most hookers get “raped” several times a night.

    • I realize that this information is probably available only on a need to know basis, but I can’t help wondering if this Israeli succubus wasn’t the same one Portnoy once encountered. If I remember correctly, his was a paratrooper. Whether or not she was an officer, sadly I don’t remember.

      • cocktailhag says:

        Fortunately for the gossip-minded, the Heel’s nekkid exploits tend to get sensational enough at times to involve the whole neighborhood. I wasn’t around for the Israeli incident, but I was a witness to a notorious “tart mixup,” which may warrant a post of its own some day….

        • Oh, but you simply must, Hag. Gossip, particularly the salacious kind, is all that stands between us and what Ane Sexton once described as that awful rowing toward God.

          (It always amazes and amuses me that there are still some stalwart souls out there who believe that God is somewhere else. How they can come to that conclusion in full awareness of that unpredictable imp which lives inside all of us, is more than I can understand. It must have something to do with Catholicism, although I suppose these days, we’d have to assign equal blame to Muhammad, peace be upon him.)

          And speaking of imps, it would seem that the Heel’s is unabashedly priapic. Good on him, I say. We used to hear more stories like his in the glorious Sixties, but now, after forty years of assault by Republican bluenoses, they seem to have gone out of fashion. Perhaps we can encourage him to resurrect them — or allow you to, which would work just as well for us breathless Internet voyeurs.

          • cocktailhag says:

            As for Catholicism, I wasted many years as an altar boy without getting lucky even once, so we’ll set that aside. Regarding the aforementioned little fiasco, I’ll have to go over some of the convoluted facts with witnesses, since neither the heel or I remember the infamous “tart mixup” as clearly as we might….

      • The Heel says:

        The particular suck-u-busy was an officer and I don’t recall the unit. Doesn’t matter, she was just visiting Europe from Israel and I was visiting from the US and we were just Mr. and Mrs. Right for the moment.
        At least you got our mind off politics for a second or two ;)