In tarts we trust

For whatever reason, when liberal politicians decide to succumb to the charms of the myriad tarts that suddenly find them attractive as they move up the ladder, they delude themselves into thinking that there’s “romance” involved, and fail to see the disastrous implications of fooling around with a nubile lovely whose silence has not already been bought up front.  Republicans are much smarter in this area, having the good sense to realize that no one should know about your poopy diaper, “Barely Legal” fetish, or loofah/falafel-related what have you unless they have a strong disincentive never to go around blabbing about it.   Whores, bathroom cruisers, and underlings all fit into this category. 

And, not to belabor the point (h/t Katie!) but as a flabby 40 something whose only tangible asset is his position, (well, there’s also the “Big Pipe,” but that’s another story for another day…) do you really think your admirers are lustily enraptured with you for your winning smile and throbbing, turgid…  position papers?  Give me a break.  Have you ever heard of the oldest profession?  Freedom isn’t free.

Here in Little Beirut, we’re singularly blessed with Mayor Sam’s boy toy, Beau Breedlove, who will be appearing nude in “Unzipped” magazine, the fetching cover of which was just  released yesterday.  Talk about pesky.  How many other Portlanders, not to mention those across the globe, will be snapping up issues, leafing through them, glancing at pictures of Mayor Adams, and snorting derisively?  Besides me, I mean.  As part of my always probing research efforts here at CHNN, I will be getting a copy as soon as the law allows; I have no idea where to obtain such obscene materials, but I have a friend who does.  Maybe you know her.

But honestly, how can you sit in a council meeting where people are trying to decide what to do about boring, inconsequential things like 12-lane freeways, multimillion dollar giveaways to Henry Paulson’s son for a stadium, a gazillion dollar hotel to “save” the limping convention center and so on, when there’s a picture of the weinie the Mayor undoubtedly sucked, on newstands right now?  If he so much as draws breath to speak, it would be flat out impossible not to say something without an unseemly yet hilarious  pun in it. I expect him, henceforth, to prudently reprise Silent Cal.  Just what you want in a once-promising liberal mayor.

Now, I know all too well that there’s something pretty universal about how certain parts of the male anatomy are hooked up that constantly causes crucially important circuits in the brain to trip, but perhaps politicians need a GFCI or something.  Especially Democratic ones, since they’re the only ones dumb enough to believe in the “love” theory.

Although Monica Lewinsky was too shy (read: zaftig) to run around posing nude, during Sam’s political career the phenomenon of the career-ending kiss and tell was not exactly unknown, to put it mildly, yet when a hot 17-year old reached down his pants, ol’ Sam thought he was Brad Pitt and George Clooney, put together, and things would be different.  The rest is history.

Thanks for putting us on the map, Sam.  Let’s hope the billboard guys aren’t looking for any favors right now.


  1. Bill says:

    Come on now, Hag. Let us be fair here.

    “But honestly, how can you sit in a council meeting where people are trying to decide what to do about boring, inconsequential things like 12-lane freeways, multimillion dollar giveaways to Henry Paulson’s son for a stadium, a gazillion dollar hotel to “save” the limping convention center and so on, when there’s a picture of the weinie the Mayor undoubtedly sucked, on newstands right now?”

    You really have no way of knowing that. He may have just blown on it a little bit.

  2. cocktailhag says:

    I guess I just have a vivid imagination, no doubt gained from literature.

  3. Bill says:

    No doubt. You certainly would not have first hand knowledge of something like that. Your curlers wouldn’t take the pressure differential.

    I, however, being of legal age, will readily admit to once knowing (not in the biblical sense, of course) a young lady who could suck a golf ball through a garden hose.

    She was about 19 at the time so I would imagine that she’s graduated to bowling balls by now.

  4. cocktailhag says:

    That’s definitely the kind of talent you’d remember.

  5. sysprog says:

    “Beau Breedlove” and “Sam Adams”?

    How 18th Century.

    Richard Brinsley Sheridan is alive and well and directing a farce in Oregon.

    In the next act, Adams turns out be the same person as his uncle “Packwood”.

    • cocktailhag says:

      Ah, yes. We have a proud history of our politicians genitalia poking (no pun intended) into the news. Former Gov. Tom McCall didn’t have any fun getting there, though. He got testicular cancer and became, you guessed it, “One ball McCall.”
      I met Packwood once, and was disappointed (as no doubt were the objects of his “affection”) that he was a scrawny little runt; kind of like Don Knotts.

  6. bebop-o says:

    Sam A. Damn & with a baloney.
    Flopped on the crapper shingle.
    How many white lilies fill up DC?
    O, fill pothole with politico. UGH!
    Disgusting. Fox “news” talk dung.
    How much do Wall Street hyena pew?
    Greed was always viewed a deadly sin.
    Hyper-consumerism is stinky panties.
    I’d will play soccer with war amputees.
    A multinational corporation’s? Corpse!

  7. JoeMommaSan says:

    perhaps politicians men need a GFCI or something

    Fixed that for you.

    • cocktailhag says:

      I guess the only difference is that while men ought to have a GFCI, politicians need to have one.

      • JoeMommaSan says:

        I’d pay good money for one, or would have in my younger days. I can’t tell you how many times letting the little head make the decisions tripped me up.

        • cocktailhag says:

          That’s one evolutionary trait that turned out to be a little too effective. Let’s hope you weren’t running for mayor, and no one under age was involved.

  8. sysprog says:

    and Herr Goebbels – - has Noebbels – - at all

  9. Jim White says:

    And let us not forget the sweet tart that dear old Wilbur Mills cavorted with. From Time, December 16, 1974:

    Reports that the once dignified, upright Mills, married to his wife Polly for 40 years, was drinking heavily and carousing in Washington nightspots had been circulating for months. The rumors became public scandal after the Tidal Basin incident of last October, when Mills’ car was stopped late at night by Washington police. The car contained five passengers, including Mills and Mrs. Annabella Battistella, 38, a frequent companion of his in the past year, who worked as a striptease dancer at a Washington nightclub under the name of Fanne Fox. Fanne leaped from the car, ran toward a small estuary of the Potomac River known as the Tidal Basin, and jumped or fell into the water. She was rescued by a policeman.

    I had remembered the Fanne Fox persona, but I’m not sure I ever heard the Annabella Battistella name. Could that possibly have been real? I mean, that’s almost as good as Beau Breedlove.


    • cocktailhag says:

      I’ve known Sam for years, and one thing I’d never suspected was that he could be so dumb. 17 years old? Beau Breedlove? Making out in a City Hall men’s room? It makes Mill’s little gaffe seem almost prudent by comparison. He even attended Breedlove’s 18th birthday party, no doubt having set his calendar watch. Where was said party? At the parent’s house? What about the cake and ice cream served? (the pin the tail on the donkey part we already know about….)
      Poor Fanne. Hookers, like cats, hate the water.

  10. William Timberman says:

    Dumb Americans are the problem here, I think. They blundered into a showing of Otto e Mezzo many years ago, and didn’t realize that the guy with the whip and the towel was in the grip of a fantasy. Worse yet, they completely missed the fat lady and the midgets.

    With a spectrum of approved activities which extends in subtle gradations from Baptism to Social Darwinism (Mormonism to Libertarianism in the West), is it any wonder that our repressed keeps returning? And is our children learning? Oh yes indeedy, but more’s the pity, it never lasts. By the time they’re thirty, real estate settles in and obscures everything south of the thirty-eighth parallel.

    • cocktailhag says:

      Well, of course it is a dumb, lame, busybody culture, but it is the one in which politicians must operate. It’s like a suffocating gas pumped into the room, and many do succumb. Not all, thank heaven. The fact remains that if one wants to accomplish something in the public sphere, one must not have a personal life that it TOO messy and tabloidy… Ah, if Fanne Foxx had been a secretary, or Beau Breedlove had been at least drinking age. If Monica Lewinsky had been thirty pounds lighter…. Americans can forgive, but only to a point, and generally not for the right reasons.

  11. William Timberman says:

    God — or somebody — bless ‘em. As for me, well…I vote for the ascendancy of all things Breedlovian, and for polymorphous perversity at the helm of the Ship of State. Death to prudery!

    (C’mon, my dear, have we really, truly forgotten who we are? What we are? Gertrude Stein and Dorothy Parker would neither one of them be pleased at this sudden outbreak of Hagian pragmatism. For shame!)

    • cocktailhag says:

      Well, in my particular industry, the white rabbit jacket and fishnet tights of hookerdom can be worn with no particular handicaps, as long as the hard hat conceals the curlers. There’s being Mayor, and there’s getting laid, and I understandably chose the latter early on. I can’t drink away the pragmatism, in this rare instance.

      • William Timberman says:

        It was the same in my trade. Academic libraries were wonderfully weird social laboratories which prized diversity in all its forms, and which, when I started working in mine, actually understood what excellence means.

        Joking aside, though, you’re right. It would be nice if on those rare occasions when one of our co-religionists gets elected to office, he’d — how shall we put it — comport himself, at least until we can manage to strike a few blows for truth, justice and the American way, and reveal them in all their glory to folks who’re used to politics being something far more exclusive, and far uglier.

        • cocktailhag says:

          That’s exactly where Sam screwed up. The fact of his being gay was a complete non-issue in the campaign; as nearly as I can tell, it never came up at all. Oh, occasionally one of the newsweeklies would have a squib about who he might possibly be “dating,” but that was about it. Even though at the time he and Breedlove were already fooling around….. Worse, when the story did come out, in the final days of the campaign, Adams pushed back hard, calling it a “political smear,” and such. Bad move. He lost a lot of his allies that way.

          • William Timberman says:

            I was thinking liberal, not gay, but it amounts to the same thing. Clinton, Annie Coulter to the contrary notwithstanding, almost certainly wasn’t gay, but he was imprudent. I don’t see much functional difference, except for the plumbing involved, between Beau and Monica. In Alabama it might make a difference, but not in Little Beirut, and not to me no matter where I live.

            I had more sympathy for Clinton than I did for the blowhards who attacked him, and for the same reasons as the French have for ignoring what goes on in the back rooms of the Palais de l’Elysée. A man (or woman) has to have appetites to get elected to office, and sexual appetites are always part of the mix. What the blushing American public should realize is that the open form is to be preferred to the repressed form. With the former, you get Clinton; with the latter, Hitler. Or, if you’re slightly luckier, GWB.

  12. OSR says:

    Why is it that aspiring politicians, like Spitzer, can’t have the foresight to recognize that they are on a doomed career path? I can sort of remember several instances, during my wasted youth, where I came up from a pile of blow and announced, “Aww, shit. There goes there presidency.”

  13. cocktailhag says:

    What’s so paradoxical about the whole thing is that while Diaper Dave was welcomed by his colleagues with open arms, Spitzer, Clinton, Edwards, et al were the ones permanently tarnished. Then there’s Rudy, Newt and any number of Republicans whose many infidelities were set discreetly to the side.
    The lesson is that if you’re a liberal politician there are rules because Republicans said so. If you’re a Republican, anything goes, because at least you want others to be moral. This makes sense only to people already clueless enough to vote Republican, but it works every time.

  14. rrheard says:

    Sam blew it–literally, figuratively, and politically. All my brothers and sisters in P-town that love or like to get down with their own gender were, almost to the person, incredibly disappointed in Sam. The man is a progressive intellectual/policy heavyweight. He was on the verge of what I think was going to be a historic mayoral tenure. And to see him sabotage it right out of the gate was incredibly disheartening. He knew better. He took his opportunity to defang many of the misconceptions and stereotypes regarding the “otherness” of the gay community and flushed it right down the toilet for an inappropriate fling (based on Beau’s age and Sam’s position).

    Hopefully Portlanders will see it as a “human mistake” having nothing to do with sexual orientation, move on, and let Sam get on with doing what we elected him to do. Hopefully Sam learned a valuable lesson–”just leave the kids aloooooooone.”

    It’s was creepy and wrong just about any way you slice it–gay or straight makes no difference. Wait until your “love interest” is an adult and then get down in whatever way floats your boat (in the privacy of your own home) and nobody in Portland says boo.

    • cocktailhag says:

      That’s exactly it, and maybe Sam taught a valuable lesson: it’s not who you fuck, but come on, let’s not be both a rapacious slut and also an ass about it. And lie to everybody, no doubt including your friends. I wrote something about his when it broke, and it ought to be in archives under the tags. I have always liked Sam, and he’s a smart, together man with an enormous…. potential that has unfortunately been wasted. More’s the pity.

  15. rrheard says:

    Miss not “throwing down” with y’all over at GG’s place, but until the screeching tag-team harpies of Paultopia (or is that Pauldopia) are banned or move on of their own volition, I can’t envision typing another stroke. I cannot abide their jumping up and down on the soapbox shouting through their megaphones that everybody who isn’t willing to overlook (or agree with) the inherent paradoxes and the logical and moral inconsistency, incoherence, and vapidity of scientology (oops I mean libertarianism) is a murdering moronic bigotted enemy of the imminent revolution. They strike me as being almost as delusional as utopia seeking neocons–and just as intellectually dishonest.

    Wrestling with those two is like wrestling pigs–the pigs love it and I just get dirty. Poor judgment on my part for engaging them the way I did the other day. I should have never let them irritate me. My conduct was rude and disruptive and I apologized by e-mail to Glenn. And though I generally abhor violence, I believe as my good buddy BC puts it “you’ve got the freedom to say anything you like but you also run the risk of getting smacked in the mouth for saying the wrong thing to the wrong person at the wrong time.” Just how it is. Doesn’t mean I’d be proud of it and/or unwilling to face the legal consequences. Thankfully it’s been a very long time since since I’ve responded physically to words. Mocking teh stoopid is usually much more effective and emotionally satisfying. But those two seem immune.

    Seeings how we’re practically neighbors if you ever want to catch a cocktail or beer I rarely miss Stephen Ashbrook on Wednesdays at Rock Bottom or the occasional Saturday at White Eagle. Also rarely miss Sneakin’ Out once a month at Mock Crest Tavern. Be nice to put a face to the infamous Cocktailhag monicker someday–but if you prefer to preserve your anonymity no worries whatsoever.

    In any event–love your stuff–keep it coming.

    • cocktailhag says:

      Well, since I’ve got two (count ‘em) paying clients right there in your hood, I’ll definitely take you up on that. I’ll buy you a beer with the money I saved by not having to rent a chopper for CHNN to cover the rrheard/Sinnard matchup. Never say never at UT… you’ll be back.
      You’d better be.

    • Jim White says:

      I find that participating in the UT threads in the first five or six hours after a post is the most beneficial. It’s usually possible to carry on a reasonable conversation on the topic or a direct offshoot at that time, while scrolling past the early entries in the screaming wars. I virtually never, ever, visit a thread after it’s 24 hours old, the stench is just too great, even though a few of our friends tend to stick around and shovel the place out now and then.

      • cocktailhag says:

        Generally by the time I get home from work, there are already a dozen pages of comments, and the early discussions seem outdated when I hit the end. By the time Bernbart has emerged as the voice of reason, I flee the scene.

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