Entertaining in a Politically Correct World: Pitfalls for the Modern Hostess

The Politically Correct era has, as we all know, ushered in such a
stiflingly censorious atmosphere to ordinary social occasions that the
already busy hostess must often drive herself to distraction
attempting not to offend what is sure to be a roomful of delicate
sensibilities.  Indeed, the only way one can be entirely certain to
avoid eventual opprobrium is to smile quietly while passing the canapes
to guests tiptoeing gingerly around “food” and “football.”  A far
better approach is to Offend Early and Offend Often.   And remember,
offensive behavior begins at the front door, where socially untenable
correctness often first rears its ugly head.  Or in this case, feet.
A distressing trend has lately manifested itself of removing one’s
shoes upon entering one’s home, an apparent addled attempt not to
need, then, to clean one’s home so often.  Worse, and this trait’s
intrinsic P.C. pedigree, is that such peculiar and vulgar behavior is
EXPECTED OF OTHERS.  While being asked to remove one’s fabulous new,
carefully chosen shoes is mortifying enough for a guest, to have one’s
own guest so disrobe in one’s foyer is nothing short of nauseating,
but occurring with alarming frequency.  It can be checked so easily,
however, and with such a wide variety of icebreaking offenses that a
hostess might find it hard to choose.   “What’s that smell?” is
perhaps my favorite.  Three little syllables that check, punish, and
even possibly prevent repetition can only be admired for sheer
economy.  If the guest is dressed poorly enough already, a helpful,
“You can change over here in the powder room” can never hurt.  ”You
brought other shoes?  Oh, good,”  is a sure crowd-pleaser as well.
Always have a few showy furs in the entry closet, this little display
being so deliciously rewarding to the offensive hostess that she
should borrow some if hers are in storage. And depending on the
season, a little fox or something staring off one’s shoulder, tail
swinging, never ceases to nip leftist fundamentalism in the bud, but
one must make sure it is a new fur, as its recent death contributes to
both its charm and its structural stability.  Even politically correct
guests don’t need to find a toe in their drink.
Smoking is another wonderful opportunity sneer at the sanctimonious,
while giving your party that decadent charm that seems only to exist
in old movies.  Even if one doesn’t smoke, walking around with a
cigarette all evening is recommended,  since one never knows when
someone will require a cloud in their face or a burn in their
backside.  If it’s raining, explain that your windy terrace is the
nonsmoking area.
One area in which political correctness has actually benefitted
today’s hostess is in its stigmatization of meat.  Meat dishes are
notoriously expensive and difficult to prepare and serve, particularly
as an hors d’oeurves, but the commitment is well worth it.  Exotic
garnishes like squids (eyes up), quail (legs crossed), can be used
with great effectiveness with any dish, but the possibility for vastly
wider variety of offenses definitely lie with mystery meat.  One can
simply invent the most horrifying possible origin for that pate’,
sausage, or meatball, depending on one’s sense of the particular
guest’s orthodoxy and how much they just ate of it.
Drinking to excess is of course an enviable luxury of entertaining at
home a hostess is foolish not to enjoy, but if she is “maidless” it
can pose problems.  If one must keep some semblance of control over
one’s faculties, however, that is no reason to reveal this misfortune
to one’s guests.  Pretending to be drunk affords one priceless
opportunities to say and do increasingly offensive things as the
evening progresses, should circumstances make it necessary to do so.
In situations where correctness becomes such that one must break
something, it is easy and natural to do when one is “drunk.”   Having
a great deal of cheap but delicate glassware is perfect for this, and
will be all the more astonishing and glamorous to the PC, who only
have thick tumblers at home.
All these valiant displays of excess, however, will be for naught if
the hostess fails to create an environment of sexual tension and
debauchery.  Flattering semidarkness, freely flowing drink, and every
promiscuous friend she can think of are of course at the top of her
list.  Nothing is more effective at eliminating the tiresome bossiness
of the true believer than sex.  One will be fretting over harassment
and objectification, the other over sin and damnation, while the
hostess need merely plant a kiss on the nearest married man and go on
about her business.  And the gossip she can spread later can make her
parties notorious for years.
Which is all she really wants.