Fall colors from atop CHNN World Headquarters today

Back during the Clinton impeachment, which in light of our current predicament seems almost like a long lost golden era, the bilious Debra Saunders of the San Francisco Chronicle wrote a blistering, spittle-flecked screed, mercilessly berating Americans for their lack of bloodlust for Clinton, based on a series of polls that showed that most people, in overwhelming numbers, disagreed with her.  That’s the kind of thing a girl like Saunders just can’t put up with, and boy, did she say so.  (Why, pray tell, do righties hate America so?)

Admittedly, this was the December right after Republicans got roundly and deservedly shellacked in the 1998 midterms, but nonetheless steamed ahead like the Titanic toward the iceberg with a lame duck impeachment anyway, because they could, so righty idiots everywhere were spitting nails, but Saunders was particularly beside herself, as is her wont.  She huffed and she puffed, she fumed and she spit, kind of like the Wicked Witch of the West when the bucket of water was doing its work on her, and the Hag (although considerably less of a Hag in those days) let her have it.

Dear Ms. Saunders,

The poll results you so scoldingly lament in your recent column reveal something about the American people you apparently have failed to see.

First, that Americans tend to favor people who make a courageous stand to alleviate suffering rather than those who use cowardly, underhanded posturing to needlessly create it.  Think for a moment of Ms. McDougal shackled, Hillary humiliated, Monica cornered, sequestered, and betrayed, and Congress bombarded with truckloads of material that most agree is none of our business and certainly not what we have been paying Starr to collect.

Second, that Americans tend to favor those who honor friendship through thick and thin rather than those who would betray it for personal gain.  Think of McDougal shackled again; of Tripp cynically urging Monica to “get more” from Clinton, knowing that the silly girl respected her advice and would thereby entangle Clinton in the kind of serious wrongdoing she and her cronies had so far failed to find.  Think also of Hillary standing by her husband, whom she always knew was a heel but nonetheless loves, only hoping that everyone else wouldn’t find out about it.  Any betrayed wife who ever attempted to salvage a damaged marriage could only hope for the same thing.

Third, that the American people tend to favor those who respect the privacy of others rather than those who would publicly reveal someone’s most embarassing secrets for the express purpose of ruining their lives.  Think of YOUR most regrettable sexual encounter described in excruciating detail, repeatedly, on national television.

Fourth, that the American people tend to favor those who accept defeat gracefully and vow to win, fair and square, the next time around rather than reveal themselves to be little more than sore losers.  Think of Bob Dornan and every other Republican to lose an election in the past few years.

Finally, that the American people tend to favor those who respect their opinions rather than self-righteously excoriate them for thinking what they happen to think.  Think of all the pundits, Newt, and you and the silly things you all have been saying, and congressional Republicans racing into the impeachment hearings in open defiance of the will of those they supposedly represent, as was made abundantly clear in the last election.

Might I suggest that your column reveals an appalling contempt for democracy and lack of understanding of essentially, everything?  Another poll would surely reveal that of those who read that self-righteous rubbish you call your opinion,  79% think you should be clerking in a dime store.

Cocktailhag

Portland, Oregon

As you can imagine, the lovely and vivacious Ms. Saunders did not reply, but she did get her wish; the Democrats were damaged enough to allow a cretinous nincompoop like George Bush II to be elected, and we all know how that turned out.  I’ve half a mind to write her again.