dunces of the confederacy

Just because there are higher incidences of things like toothlessness, obesity, gun ownership, illiteracy, wheeled homes, and Rush Limbaugh devotees in the Old South than elsewhere in America, doesn’t necessarily mean it’s a bad place, but merely that it might not be the very best source of  intellectual enlightenment at this rather  pivotal moment in our history.  I reveal this admittedly stereotypical bias with some reluctance, but I am just enough of a Coastal Elitist to haughtily conclude that it’s probably less than advantageous for the rest of us that the same guys who  think the Civil War was wrongly decided, the earth is 6,000 years old, and the End is at hand, lead the free world.  Moreover, this isn’t exactly conjecture on my part, because they did so, improbably as it seemed to the sentient among us, for eight years, and it was unsurprisingly a very bad thing for all concerned.

But as we’ve all learned the hard way, through a dismal succession of criminal and disastrous Republican presidencies beginning with “Nixon’s the One,” this craven and amoral “Southern Strategy” worked all too well, something which became especially and embarrassingly noticeable when it stopped working, at least electorally.   We suddenly found that the rest of the world  has moved on, and the Republicans, whom with poignant irony are still saddled with the antiquated title of “the party of Lincoln” are now applying their worn-out loser’s reframing of the “War of Northern Aggression” to all subsequent wars, where, if it hadn’t been for the commie/hippie/media complex, white would have made right.  Like it says in the Bible.

The only thing still working for what’s left of the right is that, just as they’ve always been told, certain things are always good, (say, rich people, those who maintain nice lawns, and of course the white) and certain things are always bad, (say, liberals, foreigners, darkies, and anyone with an education beyond 12th grade) regardless of  current circumstances. This formula, so useful in years past, turned out not as foolproof this time when the caveat, “unless we tell you otherwise,” a seemingly small alteration to the highly paid professional liars who conceived it, was added. 

The natives, not the actual kind of course, get predictably restless when the Republicans start screwing around with with the Rules…  What the heck?  They put a danged darky at the top of the RNC!  An’ he said somethin’ bad about Rush!  

Today on Ed Schultz’s show, Richard Vigeurie, in his honeyed southern accent, patiently explained that Steele and all the Republicans these days are all, pretty much, commies, and if it weren’t for Glenn Beck, Laura Ingraham, and Rush, we’d all soon be answering the phone, “Handbasket residence, this is Helena”   while we dutifully wrote our checks out to the CPUSA via ACORN.  Thank God, he intoned, for Sanford and Jindal…  even the brown one knows better than to screw with Rush, K Street, and Jesus, who increasingly seem to be some sort of Trinity in the minds of the “conservatives”  Vigeurie was conjuring up. 

Amid the crazy , rank, and delusional behavior coming from a humiliated, defeated, and worst of all (for them) broke party, marginalized to the skidmarked backside of the Bible Belt, I once again wish we had just let the South go, when we had the chance.  I could have discovered grits, and gravy on everything, from the desperate immigrants they would have undoubtedly been sending us all these years, and been happy to do so, had they only kept Jesse Helms, “Right to Work,” Britney Spears*, and everything else, to themselves.  But it was not to be.

Too bad for all present.

* Sorry, Kitt.  She’s a stinker.


  1. Jim White says:

    I’ve been here in the Confederacy for almost 16 years, but I still don’t eat grits. Gravy, well that’s another matter.

    Here are a couple of Confederate Dunces for you:

  2. Casual Observer says:

    Richard Vigeurie is a pendejo. I’m sorry, but that’s just the truth.

    • cocktailhag says:

      Pendejo? Dang, it’s so pesky to be mono, hell, half a, lingual, although it does make me feel like a Good American. I was utterly nauseated at RV today, who became friends with Ed recently over their mutual hatred of Bush, and now has shown himself to be an utter nincompoop, not to mention bigot.
      The cannibal part I liked, though.

  3. karrsic says:

    If, however, we had let them go, would we as good progressives oppose a border wall to keep them out? That’s a tough one… : )

  4. OhMyTrill says:

    As a current resident of Arkansas (having grown up in Chicago) I can assure you that it might as well be a foreign country, because it certainly feels like one. Its scary down here…I want to leave soon.

  5. OSR says:

    I spent the better part of a recent decade in the Midwest, including Kentucky. You know you’re in trouble when you cross the state line and the sign says “Welcome to Kentucky. You sure got a pretty mouth.”

    • cocktailhag says:

      Back when I used to fly Delta, I’d often have layovers in Cincinnati. I didn’t mind, since even though the airport looked like a downmarket horse barn, it had a bar. One time, though, I spied a sign from the liquor authority that informed me I was in Kentucky. I was nervous as a whore in church after that.