I was abroad that day

The mercurial cracker governor from a tooth-deprived armpit of the Old Confederacy, Mark Sanford, has up and confessed his affair with a south-of the-border tamale, whose hotness turned out to be more important than Father’s Day with his four (!) sons, the names of whom were fortunately included in his prepared statement on the subject, as well as that of his nominal wife.  Boy, does that tooth whitening and staff screening pay off, especially when it comes time to get laid…  Promise Keepers, indeed.

Just when your own conspicuously benighted state, which has already been confirmed to be stupid enough to elect you, has nevertheless basically declared you, publicly and decisively, to be a loon and a charlatan over your dimwitted, clearly cynical and nationally-aimed faux objections to the federal stimulus, you suddenly find it’s past time to get yourself some quality siesta time with your current but rather inconveniently located mistress.  And then you absentmindedly forget to coordinate the usual lies with your wife.  Oops.  Well, good for you; it might get your famously scolding and judgemental mind off other peoples affairs for maybe fifteen minutes or so. Clandestine southern hemisphere blow jobs are good that way.  One of the many, ever-changing lies told by Sanford’s clearly inept and similarly addled staff to cover up this unfortunate sojourn, which rapidly went from a possible naked hike to more probable naked other stuff, was that he was, and I couldn’t make this up if I tried, “clearing his mind” to “write something.”  I’ve never heard it called that before, so you have to hand it to the guy and his minions for being more creative that his fellow Republicans generally are.  Frank Luntz was clearly not involved.

How about a resignation letter, you lying, hypocritical, and sanctimonious bag of , well, “dog mess?”

That would really “clear your mind.”  And ours.

30 Comments

  1. Hag, this is a tad harsh. I believe we’ve spoken about this before. It just isn’t right to insult the residents of this fine old armpit of the south as “tooth-deprived”.

    “Tooth-challenged” is better. It shows empathy.

    Personally, this entire thing is a non-story–except for the new information that the appalachian trail actually goes all the way to South America. That was news, and we should make note of it.

    • cocktailhag says:

      Also, I had no idea that there was such a thing as “nude hiking day” on that mpmentarily significant Appalachian trail. Thank god. There aren’t a lot of people you’d like to see naked in that part of the world. I’m personally relieved that Gov. Sanford set his sights higher.

  2. Meremark says:

    If all the Rep(tile)s continue self-erasing, Cheshire-grin-and-gone like, “lemmings overboard,” then the Dem(wit)s can do whatever they choose without resistance, which probably is to do nothing, (metered as ‘reluctance’).

    In the ordinary universe, Nature abhors a vacuum as would occur following Rep(tile) spontaneous ingestion, and Dem(wit)s in proximity would be sucked into the void and float there as replacement Rep(tile)s. But somewhere along the time-space continuum ‘ordinary’ got misunderestimated, and if we could only find ourselves, and them, whoever ‘they’ are now, things be surreal ubernatural. The ruling party, no opposition party, and a third party. Wouldn’t Shouldn’t Couldn’t the third one move up a notch to second place now? … somewhere along the Appalachian Trail find Deliverance? Dueling bozos?

    Couldn’t someone secretly switch the signs on the School of Government classroom door, to Political Science from Eugenics Science, where those guys get their lessons? Whoever ‘they’ are.

    • cocktailhag says:

      Gail Collins, whom I normally find yawn-inducing, did make a good point in the NYT this morning.
      She suggested that Republicans ought to just go ahead and apologize for the Clinton imppeachment. Fat Chance.

  3. We were spared glossies of the in flagrante delicto sort at least. That, as my Tennessee grandmother used to say, is a blessing for which we should be grateful.

    What Mark Sanford does with his pecker worries me a lot less than what he does with his ideological organ. Now that the good people of South Carolina understand along with the rest of us how the two are connected, perhaps we’ll no longer be troubled by what he does with either of them.

  4. And by the way, I thought you were a broad every day. Have I been misinformed? :-)

  5. NWW says:

    What an amazing coincidence!
    I was a broad that day, too.

    -Rudy Giuliani

    • cocktailhag says:

      Ah, yes. I elbow length gloves, too.

      • dirigo says:

        I responded to meremark in my epic on Silvio and wondered there (as I’m obviously wondering here if any reporters have pressed Gov. Sanford on whether he learned the tango (and how, where, and WITH WHOM!) and comparing that to his skill at Appalachian fishing – or naked hiking.

        • cocktailhag says:

          Dan Savage once wrote, “Republicans can dance, in the same way dogs can swim. They look a little foolish, but you have to give them credit for trying.” Or something like that. I doubt Sanford can Tango, and for digestive purposes I’d prefer not to think about the naked hiking.

  6. rmp says:

    One thing these American hypocrites do far better than anyone else is self-destruction. They prove every day that they are their own worst enemies. Just leave them to their own vices and devices and they will perform unerringly. They are the premier cliche to faking life.

    Their antics would be much more humorous if they didn’t do so much damage leading to their exposure. We should pass a law that says when a congress critter is caught lying, they have to hike naked the Appalachian Trail down the length of America with this branded on their forehead, “I am one of America’s greatest hypocrites as certified by Glenn Greenwald.”

    • cocktailhag says:

      Either that, or the more usual standing ovation from the Republicans, as long as teh gay isn’t involved. (Tough luck, Larry….) The comment thread at UT is especially delicious today; I’m trying to catch up.

  7. Karen M says:

    Apparently, the GOP “alibi” for illicit sex is now “having to write something” or “working on a writing project.”

    On Open Salon today I read a post where the author gave a couple of examples, including Ted Haggard, and Dick Cheney (purely speculative) who is supposedly working on his memoirs.

    • cocktailhag says:

      Well, I’m working on writing something as we speak, and there’s no nudity involved. (Damn this weather!) I like “hiking the Appalachian Trail” too. Seems more appropriately athletic.

      • dirigo says:

        Fortunately, for those who need to know before sundown, the “other woman” in Gov. Sanford’s life has been identified as an Argentine television reporter. Hooahhh …

        • cocktailhag says:

          She sounds like a good fit for CHNN…. Think we can get her? As a (retired, as Willamette Week put it) mistress, I can sympathize. That girl should be drinking something out of a pineapple about now. Always works for me.

          • dirigo says:

            Hey! – brilliant idea!

            I’ll try to get Harlan on the horn and have him set things up.

            What a coup that would be: “This is Maria Belen Chapur, formerly of Canal America, and formerly with Mark Sanford, reporting direct from the governor’s mansion in Charleston … ”

            Or, “This is Maria Belen Chapur, formerly of Canal America, and formerly with U.S. Gov. Mark Sanford, reporting for CHNN on the never-ending Silvio Berlusconi saga, live from the CHNN flying boat, direct from Naples. Leading off tonight, CHNN’s crack correspondent, Harlan Harrington, is on special assignment from Charleston, covering the Mark Sanford story. Harlan? … ”

            It’s a ratings dream, no doubt …

  8. cocktailhag says:

    I’m envisioning that martini glass with the spinning globe/olive already, shining over Park Avenue; we need that gal on the team.

    • dirigo says:

      A caution however.

      As a friend of mine, a savvy Boston Irishman – with a way with figures when estimating the cost of yards of concrete, or board-feet of lumber, for an addition, or a local firehouse – would say: “More money”!

      Ya gotta spend it to make it, Hagorama !!!

      Nubile Argentinian television talent doesn’t come cheap, even in normal times; and I suspect Maria’s price is going up, by the hour.

      • cocktailhag says:

        Sheesh, Dirigo, let’s not call mutton lamb. The broad’s 42 already, and having been 42 myself not that long ago, I’ll tell you that “nubile” ain’t the word for it. Accounting’s looking into it, though. There is the “Hag” in CHNN, after all.

        • dirigo says:

          Well I’m a ratings maven, but I’m also realistic.

          Maybe we should take a closer look at her, as if she were a late season prospect for the Red Sox at second base. Worn down some but not done completely. She might have bad knees.

          Could be a “local discount” there.

    • I vote no. She has lousy taste in men. (I realize that CHNN is not a democracy, but maybe you could consider this a concerned letter to the editor.)

      Better you should follow the lead of the Tibetans, I say, and see if you can find a child with that Molly Ivins twinkle in her eye, and bring her to sign of the globe and glass for a proper journalistic upbringing. The parents will no doubt be glad to find that their daughter is the Chosen One — at least that’s the way it works in Tibet.

      • dirigo says:

        William, for the sake of ratings, you can’t leave out the tawdry, tacky slant. Considering this, I don’t know how the “chosen one” angle works exactly. Seems a bit precious to me; but we’ll submit your letter to editorial for review.

        What say you, Hag?

      • cocktailhag says:

        I was just about to second your emotion, Dirigo…. I’m alarmingly prone to thinking about grabbing eyeballs with the CHNN brand, rather than hewing to some hippie “principle” or other here lately. Google analytics will do that to you.

        • dirigo says:

          Steve Ballmer says the age of analogue is definitely over.

          “Meet the new boss; same as the old boss.”

        • Tawdry’s fine with me, but I do think that appreciating Las Vegas and actually living in the Penthouse at the Wynn are two different things. I mean, it’s not exactly the Algonquin, is it?

          Let Fox News be Fox News. CHNN has grace, wit, panache, and never, ever lets a discerning eye for the popular lack of taste corrupt its fundamental sense of irony.

  9. retzilian says:

    Oh, then it got better and we were privy to the salacious emails. That was hilarious. I would have hit him upside the head with a 2 x 4 – not for having a South American lover, but for the horribly written “erotic” emails. Honestly, if I had received an email like this from a man I was seeing, I’d have run like hell:

    I could digress and say that you have the ability to give magnificently gentle kisses, or that I love your tan lines or that I love the curves of your hips, the erotic beauty of you holding yourself (or two magnificent parts of yourself) in the faded glow of night’s light — but hey, that would be going into the sexual details we spoke of at the steakhouse at dinner — and unlike you I would never do that!

    Absolute GOLD from the “Narcissist’s Handbook of Romance” of which I am a self-proclaimed expert.

    Must Read:

    http://www.thestate.com/sanford/story/839350.html

    • cocktailhag says:

      Eeeew. I would have run screaming as well. I dated a psychologist once who seemed intelligent enough until the fateful internet era dawned and it turned out that a Phd is no guarantee that its owner knows the difference between “your” and “you’re,” and the romance never recovered once the boring, poorly spelled, self-referential, and long-winded emails started rolling in.
      Definitely a mood-spoiler. I’m with WT on this…. What was Maria, who appears to be quite attractive and intelligent, thinking?