Not Gonna Happen

Now, I’m not sure who will be singing “Happy Birthday” to the President tonight, but I’m willing to bet it won’t be like this.  And it isn’t just sexpots, movie stars, and what have you that don’t feel like singing; heck, it’s Wall Street, too, although I don’t think Lloyd Blankfein would look very good in that dress.  While I’m happy to report that OFA sent me a slightly more suitably desperate entreaty today to attend what they’re no longer calling a “house” party, they sure as heck didn’t say that, say, Lady Gaga or Beyonce was going to be celebrating this non-event.  Hair washing can proceed as planned, methinks.

It’s remarkable, really, that a youthful, charming, purportedly liberal President who was so often compared to Kennedy back in the day is now, at best, compared to Nixon.  Usually unfavorably.  These days, if Obama wants a sexy broad to sing his praises, he’ll have to troll for rodeo queens and other lesser lights, just like Tricky Dick.  Al Gore may be fat, but he’s still got Melissa Etheridge.  At the rate Obama’s going, the Dixie Chicks might start slamming him at concerts (or at least I hope they will).  Come to think of it, he would look good in a Michael Moore movie, too.

That leads to an interesting question: is a tepid, halting, and relentlessly calculated embrace of gay rights enough to keep the vaunted Hollywood Liberal Elite in Obama’s camp, and more importantly, their vaunted wallets open?  Matt Damon provided a powerful shot across the bow when he loudly and publicly railed against just the sort of “centrist” education policies Obama has so far cravenly endorsed, which tend to involve screwing over teachers and lots of testing.

Perhaps this explains that the much-ballyhooed “pivot” on jobs seemed to be much more about “free trade” deals and deregulation, which in the past have failed spectacularly.  He’s clearly worried that having thrown away both small donors and Hollywood money, that Wall Street alone won’t carry him over the line.  What’s left?  Predatory corporations looking for handouts, natch.  But wait a minute, don’t those guys generally go for the other side?  Anyone who can explain to me how, exactly, Obama could beat a marginally credible Republican candidate with this unfolding strategy ought to do so.  I didn’t go to Harvard, of course, but to me still doesn’t add up.

Fortunately, the chances of Republicans nominating someone marginally credible do seem slight at the moment.  But they’ve surprised us before, and they surprise Obama, or at least seem to, EVERY FRIGGING DAY, so you never know.  But if I were him, I’d be happier right now if there were some famous sexy tart out there who would still at least sing to me.  I know of none doing that tonight.


  1. The Heel says:

    If it is of any condolence, no sexy tarts are singing for me either :(

    Then again, I am in a motel in Atlanta, sweating like a whore in church, so what can I expect. I think I may throw a party. You think people may show up?

  2. nswfm says:

    Hey, I’ll sing happy birthday to you! I might not be a tart, but I’m not far from Malibu where there are a few! Happy Early Birthday, Cocktail Hag!

    • cocktailhag says:

      Well, more due to old age and its attendant beauty reducers, let’s call them, than any sort or moral fussiness, I’m not even really that much of a tart anymore, to my considerable chagrin.
      Remember? Clinton was at his best when he was getting at least an occasional BJ; and while I admire Obama’s relative restraint, since I hope Michelle cut him off six months ago, I still agree with Lea DeLaria, describing the job of the President: (I paraphrase) “Leader of the Free World. Comes with blowjobs”.
      Sadly, President Obama is, both politically and (as far as we know) sexually, basically Bob Dole, only cuter. Sheesh.

  3. dirigo says:

    Just get an old REO D.C. fire truck with speakers on it, run it back and forth in front of the White House, playing Lawrence Welk’s greatest hits, sprinkled in with polka versions of Happy Birthday. That’s it; obligation done.

  4. avelna says:

    Well maybe more will show up for his party than for Rick Perry’s this weekend. Obama’s will probably be more fun anyway.

  5. retzilian says:

    It’s an AUSTERITY theme, don’t you know. I have Black Friday themes (since I was born on a Fri the 13th) and Prez Five-Oh has a bash that costs $35K a pop. Seriously. How incredibly myopic can you get?

    Don’t bother with the blindfolds for pin the tail on the donkey’s ass, because they are already blind as bats now.

    If he had any sense, he’d have an austerity theme, at least just for fun. Everyone dress in last year’s styles, bring a recyling bin, cheap beer, Doritos and iPods.

  6. Henry says:

    But….. she cannot sing to save her life… As for “sex pot”, perhaps of the 1960′s but today no way! I just realized (sadly) that the Prez is younger than me.

    • cocktailhag says:

      So you’re saying Marilyn Monroe is NOT a sexpot? Compared to whom?
      Standards have changed a bit, what with the plastic surgery craze and all, but you did notice that the audience went wild?
      You really ought to see some of her movies; she wasn’t a great actress or singer, but she was an amazing comedienne, and her aura, if you will, made her the most desired woman of the era.
      (And, the fact that she was doing it with Kennedy around the time that film was made makes the performance that much more striking….)