Math Class is Tough

Increasingly it seems that Republican candidates are, in the post-Reagan era, chosen solely as spokesmodels; it’s just like choosing an anchorwoman at Fox News, really.  Not much upstairs, but what a staircase…  You’re hired.   This trend has two roots: the first is that Republicans fundamentally believe that intellect, energy, and accomplishment are only found, or needed, in the private sector, and the second is that they have absolutely nothing, policy-wise, that will sell without a whole lot of deceptive packaging delivered by a lightweight who can’t decipher, much less answer, any difficult questions.  Bush, Palin, the Quayles, Michele Bachmann: the list is long of utter halfwits expensively trotted out to babble sweet nothings into America’s dumbest ears, so the right people can get their paws on the US treasury again.  Although one can question the morality of such undemocratic hocus-pocus, one can hardly argue with success.  But look at the bright side:  suffering Americans occasionally get a little comic relief listening to these cretins on the rare occasions they deign to speak to the media.  It’s never pretty.

Last night Cocktailhag-American Jan Brewer, governor (!) of Arizona, was faced with what turned out to be, for her, an insurmountable task: giving  one-minute opening statement in the debate between her and her Democratic opponent for election to the post she gained only through the Obama administration’s stupidity and tone-deafness, and in it she actually managed to make Sarah Palin look like a Rhodes Scholar.  It was stupefying, really.  She had a a few bland, content-free platitudes prepared and a little anti-Obama red meat, but she clearly had no idea what they might be, even as someone must have been applying her pancake.  Remember, Palin didn’t launch, jaw-droppingly, into moose-peranto until she was foiled by “gotcha” questions from that bulldog Katie Couric; Brewer was unable to read on television, without making a dunderheaded ass of herself, a PREPARED ONE-MINUTE STATEMENT.  On a Fox affiliate, to boot.

Is there any sort of floor, at long last, for Republican stupidity?  The whole point of the exercise is to make bad ideas look good on TV, and even in that pathetically modest endeavor, Brewer just scored a big, fat, fail, which is obviously destined to become a youtube blockbuster.  (The video is inescapable on the internet…  go to digby, tbogg, salon, tpm, or pretty much anywhere to watch it;  just pee first and set down all beverages before clicking play…)  Sure, Palin’s stupidity has been parleyed  into her well-crafted victimhood schtick, and stupid people everywhere are gaga over her for reasons they are unable to articulate, but nonetheless firmly hold; an undoubtedly boffo combination that has won many Republican victories in the recent past, but honestly…  Lengthy seconds of giggly silence, as the huge false eyelashes are cast down at something on her desk (what?  My Pet Goat?  Atlas Shrugged?) doesn’t seem like the sort of performance that is going to win over thinking Arizonans, in the unlikely event that there remains such a thing.

Clearly, Brewer has decided, along with most other far right Republicans running this season, that all media, except Fox and hate radio, is the enemy, and see no reason to engage with it at all.  But since they do have to sometimes appear in public before they are elected and can get on with the looting (in Brewer’s case it’s private prisons, who are eagerly making room for all the SB 1070 arrests already…), impertinent backtalk from the Fourth Estate can’t entirely be avoided, so would you people please, for the love of God, at least practice your vapid talking points?  The answer is obviously no.

Here in Oregon we have the male equivalent of a PalinBrewer ConservaBarbie running for governor, whose total qualifications for office consist of being 7 feet tall, a former Trailblazer, and the worst free-thrower in the NBA.  His name is Chris Dudley, and guess what?  No debates, and no appearances except with right-leaning media, and he has so much money, he just might beat former governor John Kitzhaber that way, with content-free attack ads.  Ah, democracy in the Citizens (!) United  era.  Let the dumbest candidate win.


  1. dirigo says:

    While we’re at it, let’s have a moment of silence for the wisdom conveyed by Alan Simpson, the former Wyoming senator and current co-chair of the president’s DAFF-uh-cit commission.

    I don’t take umbrage at the senator’s call that I return some of my $243 per month disability gas money for my combat-connected bum knee, or that I forgo another Agent Orange physical, under new rules announced lately by the president and VA Secretary Shinseki.

    No, I just think Simpson is an idiot, but clearly an expert in the conservative two step.

    It’s telling that the president seems willing to keep Simpson in place on that commission.

    Watch your wallet.

  2. michlib says:

    This seems to be Tea Party doctrine – when asked any non-softball question by non-Faux news agencies, shut up and RUN. Probably their model for governance too – high priest W was curiously missing when crisis hit the country ( 9/11, Katrina, Wall Street meltdown ). Also note well their snarling hatred for education in general and universities specifically. Flunking out of junior college must leave deep scars indeed.

    • cocktailhag says:

      Oh, I don’t know. I’ve flunked out of places that would have laughed at Palin’s application, and I remain unscarred by the whole thing. I only run from the media due to the hooker thing.

  3. daphne says:

    Are hags Jan Brewer and Sharron Angle related? They look sort of alike and their styles are very similar. All that gasping for breath every few words distracts me from paying attention to their horrifying ideas. Maybe it’s just something in the southwest air.

    • cocktailhag says:

      It’s a dry heat…. I think they’re both just Fox-addled ol’ broads who were born dumb. I dod think Brewer could give Angle a few beauty tips, though…..

  4. moose-peranto

    A pearl beyond price. I almost spilled my martini. I nominate this single, exquisite neologism for 2010′s Annual Dorothy Parker Memorial Hatpin Award.

  5. nancy says:

    Moose-peranto, gaaaaa…..not one of these fellow citizens would get it. Going into my Blogger Hall of Fame lexicon. Did this come to you a while ago or was that just a flash of inspiration? I thought all-things-Palin had already been named. And I trust you’ve seen the Vanity Fair pieces. She’s over. The latest video clips of her brand of thuggery are now confirmed. However, why did it take two (!) years to expose this creature? Oh, I forgot. She’s pretty. How pathetic is that–sexism in the pressroom? I’m shocked.

  6. ouranos says:

    Anti-intellectualism is a big part of the right’s mantra against “elitism.” Always has been and always will be. The history of anti-intellectual feeling in the U.S. runs parallel to the rise and fall of the right’s power and explains much of the appeal of Palin, Brewer, et al.

    I came across this article in the Guardian a few years ago:

    and, to me, it explains, chillingly, much of what has occurred in the past few years and what is happening now.

  7. retzilian says:

    “Mousse-peranto” pretty much describes my French.

    In re the flop sweat pouring from the hideous Jan Brewer (who really is a homely woman obviously consumed by futile vanity), perhaps she will suffer the same failure as Nixon in the 1960 election when people saw him on TV at the debate and he looked so ugly and slimy next to JFK.

    Running from the media (like she and Sharron Angle are doing) is going to hurt you, especially if you’re a GIRL. I mean, it’s hard enough to demonstrate you can play with the big dogs, but to show fear like that? Fatal.

    • cocktailhag says:

      So far, the ol’ gal is nearly 20 points ahead, which says more about Arizonans than it does about her. I think that the base will actually like her better, because of this. She’ll be lionized as a victim of the bad old Liberal Media. Sigh.

  8. retzilian says:

    True. Vicitimization is the obvious defense of the mediocre.

  9. retzilian says:

    Getting back to Beck’s “recovery handbook” – it’s interesting that he resembles so many of the hypocrites in recovery who treat the 12-steps like a cafeteria menu – preaching what steps they can practice and disregarding the difficult ones, such as taking a “fearless, moral inventory” and making amends and admitting their character flaws and making major changes to their own lives and not repeating their mistakes.

    The most important part of recovery is not admitting that you are an addict or even that you quit using your drug of choice – it’s in the actions you take not to be that person anymore. Beck is still the same POS he was when he was using, if in fact he’s really sober at all. He’s only changed the methods in which he lies to people. He’s still selfish, self-centered, dishonest and manipulative. IOW, he’s just a dry drunk.

    • cocktailhag says:

      Just like George Bush, and in a lot of the same ways; the phony self-righteousness, vindictiveness, and ruthlessly enforced acceptance of his twisted worldview. What’s unfortunate is the power both of these small, fearful, damaged men acquired.

  10. retzilian says:

    I’m not sure if Glenn Beck ever read the “Big Book” much beyond the first few pages. It’s clear he went to some AA meetings, either by court-order or intervention, since he has the buzz words down; but if he were to read the BB, he’d find very revealing quotes like this:

    “We were DRIVEN by a hundred forms of fear, self-delusion, self-seeking and self-pity.”

    “Fear: it was an evil and corroding thread, the whole fabric of our lives was shot through with it.”

    Beck’s pervasive fear-mongering is projection of the vomitus sort. He is driven by such fear, which was the basis of his self-medicating and recklessness, that he must constantly try to scare other people so that he can justify this insanity to himself. He’s clearly to be pitied if he were not such a forking moran.

    • cocktailhag says:

      No pity from me; the guy’s a multimillionaire many times over, and he’s created a dangerous, if slack-jawed, army of zombified followers.

      • michlib says:

        They’re probably slack-jawed from having all those ” socialistic, communist, progressive ” high handed directives shoved ” down their throats ” by the Democrats. Such antipathy for the democratic process bespeaks low IQ holders. And why do they get that wistful look when they say ” shoved down our throats ” ? Calling Dr. Freud…

        • cocktailhag says:

          I read that piece; I’m not sure if its really Freudian or just cynical reverse-engineering of Freud on the part of the blatherers…. Rape fears are just about as below the belt, pun intended, as you can get when your goal is emotional manipulation to short-circuit rational thought.