One Boy?

Now, I ordinarily do my level best to ignore Sarah Palin so long after her sell date, but sometimes Caribou Barbie still manages to say something so eye-poppingly dense, and more importantly, funny, that I simply let her inimitable charms get the best of me.  Fortunately or not, today turned out to be one of those days.

You see, I happen to have played Harvey Johnson in a 1980 high school production of Bye, Bye, Birdie, and although my solo was in “Telephone Hour,” I sat through a lot of rehearsals, and know all of the lyrics by heart, including those to the number above.  I blame this curious constitution of my internal memory banks each time I purposefully walk into a room and can’t for the life of me recall why.   It seems that all my disk space got taken up with everything from Chaucer’s general prologue to the Canterbury Tales, to lyrics of each song I’ve ever heard more than three times.  Whan that Abril, and all that.

Most of the time, this is a disadvantage; but then Sarah Palin, in a typically lame and inarticulate attempt to defend the loudly and militantly homophobic owners of Chick-Fil-A says (on FOX, natch…) this:

Well, that calling for the boycott is a real — has a chilling effect on our 1st Amendment rights. And the owner of the Chick-Fil-A business had merely voiced his personal opinion about supporting traditional definition of marriage, one boy, one girl, falling in love, getting married. And having voiced support for kind of that cornerstone of all civilization and all religions since the beginning of time, he then basically getting crucified.

Well, the chaste ghost of Kim McAfee, who was angelically singing not about the scattershot teenage motherhood that runs through the Palin brood like crabs through a whorehouse, but merely about going steady until an age-appropriate marriage, must surely want to commandeer a celestial helicopter to hunt that slanderous halfwit down.
I can understand the built-in biases of a flighty know-nothing who infamously became a grandmother in her forties, but the supposed sacrament of marriage to which she pretends to be devoted does not involve, typically (much less ideally), getting knocked up so close to Prom Night.
But this is what two generations of Palins have done, and yet they they nonetheless scoldingly decry family breakdown in others, with nary a nod to the irony of it all. I guess ignorance is even more blissful than I’d previously thought.
Of course, as far as we know Sarah herself has personally followed her “One Boy” roadmap, albeit with the pedal firmly to the metal, but it takes some serious she-balls, in light of the children she so haphazardly raised, to make any claim to be any exemplar or expert on proper family formation.
Now that Bristol has (sort of) learned to dance, I’d like to see her and Levi (or more generously, she and her seventh or eighth current “one boy”) do this number, maybe at the next Koch Brothers retreat. Ann-Margaret wasn’t exactly a paragon of family values, either, but she could at least convincingly play one, and look pretty hot in so doing.
The Palins are a lot of things, but they’re quite evidently not “the way it should be,” by any stretch of the imagination. Earth to Sarah….


  1. Nefer says:

    Three generations, I believe, Bristol, Sarah, and Sarah’s mother Sally. All preggers before marriage. Family traditions, anyone?

    • cocktailhag says:

      One boy (and I do mean boy), at a time. Thanks for the pointer; I had neither researched nor speculated that Sarah’s Mom hadn’t hit retirement age yet. No wonder they’re so against birth control; their cockroach-like fecundity is their only hope.

  2. dirigo says:

    While appearing today to mourn (or mock) Gore Vidal, Michele Bachmann related once more how, during the late ’70s and apparently while working as a Jimmy Carter apparatchik, she read Vidal’s novel “Burr”. She said the satirical take on the founders so offended her (Gore was “snotty” and “mocking”) that she suddenly (as in a flash) became a Republican, thus beginning her father worship, which continues its malicious grip and seems to have gotten worse. Poor thing. She flunked Irony-101.

    Still trying to figure out what Sarah’s excuse may be. But, based on her inability to make any sense at any time, her transformation – including (no matter what Cheney says now) her crackpot belief that she has the cojones to be president) – couldn’t have come from any shocking confrontation with the great books, or a Vidal novel.

    • cocktailhag says:

      Funny (not in a good way), how both Vidal and Buckley seem so anachronistic today. They were so clearly before the fall, and now we’re so clearly after.

      • dirigo says:

        The ancients. Yes …

        Of course, Vidal, in absentia now, might insist at least one of his works belongs on the great books list.

        Time will tell, Gore. Sit tight.

  3. Ché Pasa says:

    Goin’ steady!
    Goin’ steady!
    Goin’ steady
    Steady for good!

    He’s in love with Kim
    Kim’s in love with him…

    And isn’t “One Boy” just the sweetest thing?

    Oh, Hag, the memories. I must have seen that picture 30 times when I was an impressionable young teen. Imagine my thrill when the opportunity came around some years later to do the show with Tab Hunter as Albert and Liz Torres as Rose. As far as I can recall, I was only backstage for that one, and there would be plenty of stories of the backstage festivities if my memory was better… the perils of age, dontchaknow. One loses track.

    Anyway, the idea of any Palin lecturing the rest of us on the sanctity of marriage is as ludicrous as… well, I was going to say something about Tab Hunter lecturing us about monogamy, but I won’t. You can imagine.

    It wouldn’t surprise me tho to see La Palin turning up at a dinner theater doing a turn as Mama Rose in “Gypsy.” No? Well, assuming she can do lines. I’m sure she can croak out “Rose’s Turn.” She probably does. In front of a mirror. Every morning. Before she starts her day.

    • cocktailhag says:

      I see her the same way; she’s a born cocktailhag, just not the good kind. Like myself.
      I may not be smart enough for this to work, but here’s my big number:

      • Ché Pasa says:

        Ah yes, the “Telephone Hour.” It was far and away my favorite number. Far and away.

        I adored Ann Margaret but had no idea why Bobby Rydell was cast in the picture. Well, maybe I had an “idea…”

        I’m sure your Harvey Johnson was brilliant. It may not be the name part, but it can be a star turn. After all, has there ever been a memorable Conrad? I think not.

        • cocktailhag says:

          Well, I was only a freshman, so my voice had not yet attained its haggish basso profundo; I sounded about like Harvey was supposed to. That’s definitely the best song; I especially like the boys’ parts.
          Hiya Hugo
          Hiya stupid
          Whatcha wanna
          Go get pinned for….

  4. dirigo says:

    I really think the CHNN mobile unit should be sent out right away to hunt down both Mzzzzzz. Palin and Mzzzzzz. Bachmann, and ask them if they can explain recent polling (Quinnipiac/NYT/CBS) indicating women are breaking big for O. in battleground states.

    This might put a crimp in their daddy worship, because lots of ladies may pull out mocking hankies to wave at Mitt as the crunch comes.

    As the dog days of August commence, this guy looks less like George Washington and more like Ozzie Nelson.

    • cocktailhag says:

      That’s not really fair to Ozzie; he was bumbling, but sweet. Romney’s more like Darren Stevens’ boss, Larry Tate, channeling Thurston Howell.

      • dirigo says:

        Hmmmm …this DOES get complicated, the more you use TV Land characters as templates. Get out the CHNN Decision ’12 Etch-A-Sketch then.

        Ozzie’s hair will work at least.

        Mitt’s a jerk, but he’s our jerk all right. No getting around that.

  5. RUKidding says:

    In an odd snarky way, I have often waited with baited breath for Grifterella to blame gays, in general, but gays wanting to (gasp! shriek!) marry as the *reason* for why she & her family so clearly do not exemplify so-called “family values.” Like all good “Christiany” rightwing welfare gravy train nutcases, Snowbilly Snooki, word-salad notwithstanding, is adept at *blaming everything* possible on teh eeevul LIEbruls, teh poorz, teh gheyz, etc.

    That said, it does seem as if Caribou Barbie is nearly irrelevant, albeit Bible Spice has made sure she can suck every last dollah outta her benefactor$$$. I hear-tell that her spawn, Bristol, despite sewer-level ratings on some “show” she did lately, is being given another chance to “dance” on some other show.

    Thankfully I rarely watch TV, so I am spared most of this, but I do seem to catch up on La Grifterella & her dreaded spawn on snarky blogs, such as this.

    It is fun, though, to point & mock.

    Congrats on treading the boards as Harvey Johnson in “Bye Bye Birdie.” Like others here, I LOVED that movie and play. Great stuff! I think I know the words to most of the songs, too. heh.

    • cocktailhag says:

      Well, you’re in for more of “she with the many names,” as that lovely and vivacious halfwit found her way into my FDL post for tonight, albeit peripherally.
      Looking back, Bye, Bye Birdie turned out to be the pinnacle of my stage career; I never could act my way out of a wet paper bag, and made a complete ass of myself when the ballet company for which I was production manager made me take classes to learn the vocabulary.

      • RUKidding says:

        LOL… just read your FDL post. Pretty funny. A last comment is that my Tundra Trash-loving sister apparently hastened off to her local Chick-Fil-A on whatever day it was that these judgemental arrogant hell-fire “Christiany” types were supposed to do that. I can guarantee that my sister did NOT like whatever Monsanto grease-slop that they provided to her (she is a foodie & a great cook), but no doubt, she probably ran around loudly proclaiming how faaaabulous the “food” was at ever-so-self-righteous CFA.

        Go figure. On another blog, I said something similar to your FDL post, which was: if these WHITE homophobic judgemental “Christiany” types wish to clog their stupid arteries eating crap-shit food-like substances at CFA: have at it. It’ll just serve to make them ill before their time.

        Until recently I had no info about CFA, but since I loath most fast food, it was no effort on my part to stay far away from them. When I learned about what homophobic cretins the Cathy family is, well, there was even more reason to *avoid* their disgusting “food” emporiums.

        Snowbilly Snooki & Tawd show up to shovel some shit down their gobs? Well good for them. Hope that sound we all hear is their arteries hardening by the second. Couldn’t happen to a better pair of grifters!

        • cocktailhag says:

          Sheesh, It’s awful when members of one’s own family are so thoroughly deluded. My Dad’s the same way, and he used to be a District Attorney, for Pete’s sake. We avoid discussing Palin, and politics in general, as you’d expect.
          Glad you liked the FDL post; it did get more comments than usual, which I guess is one barometer of success.
          One of the best things about being a liberal is that the food is a lot better.

          • RUKidding says:

            I am one of two – count ‘em: TWO – members of my entire extended family (which is quite large) who’s not a brainwashed member of the Tea Party Rushaholic homophobic “Christiany” milieu.

            How did I turn out sane? Go figure.

            For brevity, I’ll state simply that the “Christianity” that I was raised in – via typical protestant type Sunday school & Church choirs – was, IMO, quite a different “Christianity” than what’s being preached these days.

            I might add that most members of my family are very well educated, reasonably sophisticated and quite well-traveled. In other words: not knuckle-dragging mouth breathers… much like your Dad, I’m sure.

            I don’t get it, but I’m glad that I “escaped.” Phew: close one!

          • cocktailhag says:

            I was raised Catholic; and the church of the 60′s and 70′s was the opposite of what it is today.. Thankfully, Dad is the only (remaining) righty in the family, though we were once all Republicans.

    • mikeinportc says:

      When it comes to blame, don’t forget the witches. They’re sooooooo proud of their minister for driving old ladies…er… witches out of town , and saving THE SAVED donchaknow. (Really! No Joke.)

  6. dirigo says:

    Too good to be true (via Digby) …

    • cocktailhag says:

      Boy, if I could have some of my ashes planted in a Roosevelt elk, it’d make being dead almost worth it. No gophers or bunnies, please.
      Or better yet, just stick the bullets in Dick Cheney’s knapsack and see what happens.

      • dirigo says:

        As a Viking, I’d prefer to have mine poured into the Atlantic. From a crock.

        Someday soon …

  7. dirigo says:

    Guardian headline today:

    “Pussy Riot Campaigners Hope for Madonna’s Support”

    • cocktailhag says:

      As well they should; I would if I were them; that ol’ tart has fought (and won) many such battles.
      But your quote points me to an even weirder thing; only British newspapers can use the word, “Pussy.” The AP, NYT, etc., say the band’s name is unprintable.
      Really? Pussy?
      What’s next? A big beep in the Oscar Meyer song?